


Wild Heart

by deedreamer



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awesome Leia, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Smut, Erotica, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, HEA I promise, Happy Ending, Humor, Identity Issues, Identity Reveal, Light Angst, Online Dating, Poetry, Rose Tico is the Bestie You Always Wanted, Secret Identity, okay maybe moderate angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-18 04:02:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16987686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deedreamer/pseuds/deedreamer
Summary: Ben Solo and Rey Jackson have worked together for two years the day Ben accidentally sees Rey's dating app profile on her phone. In a quite unwise move, Ben takes drastic action with the goal of moving out of the dreaded Friend Zone: he creates a fake profile on the app. And before he knows it, Ben's becoming Kylo Ren.Rey Jackson signed up for Millennium Match on a whim. Tired of secretly pining after her oblivious co-worker and her failed attempts at relationships, she figured it was worth a try to shake up her stagnant dating life. When Rey connects with sexy, mysterious Kylo, no one's ever made her feel so desired.But reality comes crashing down, and Rey and Ben are forced to figure out who they really are and what they truly want -- in the light of day, not just behind a screen.





	1. New Light

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome friends! Here's my Christmas gift to all of you... a new chapter will post each day for the next 12 days, culminating with the final chapter of this little story on Christmas Day. 
> 
> Giant thanks to Bleachers' album 'Strange Desire' for the inspiration: the title and chapter names were born from playing the album on repeat. A line or theme from each song on the album was also incorporated into its corresponding chapter, just for funsies. 
> 
> Thanks to the amazing creators of all of the source material drawn upon here; to be clear: I own nothing but a nine year old Subaru.
> 
> I've had such a fun time writing, and I have to thank all of my new friends at The Writing Den for their support and awesome, joyful encouragement. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

 

Ben recognized Rey’s soft, clean perfume the moment she entered any room. He’d know it was her, blindfolded, every single time simply from the way her scent danced in the air around him every time she breezed through. He’d bet his life on it.

It made it damn near impossible to make it through his work day, considering they shared a cubicle wall.

“Well, the badge scanner is on the fritz again,” Rey Jackson announced as she strode straight into Ben’s cube and dropped off two cups of coffee on his desk. She peeled off her knit cap, completely oblivious as the motion sent little droplets of melted snow sprinkling onto Ben’s desk papers before picking up her cup and taking a hasty sip. “That’s the third time this week!”

Ben spun in his office chair to face her, eyeing her from beneath his heavy brows. “I didn’t realize you were keeping track.”

Rey shrugged. “I’m not trying to, it’s just obvious and annoying and, therefore, I remember. It was fine Monday, it happened Tuesday and Wednesday, and it worked fine again yesterday. Now today it’s--”

“Back on the fritz,” Ben finished for her.

Rey cocked her hip to the side and rolled her eyes as she whipped off her grey scarf. “Yes,” she said on a sigh.

“I’m sorry?” Ben offered, giving Rey a sheepish look before reaching for his coffee. He took a sip and grimaced as he swallowed. “Jesus, what the hell is this?”

“It’s coffee,” Rey replied, furrowing her brow at him in disbelief. “Duh.”

“I know it’s coffee, but where the hell did you get it?”

Rey blinked. “The new place that opened right downstairs.”

“It’s swill.” Behind him, Ben turned to see the notification that pinged on his computer, sitting the coffee cup back down on his desk. “Oh, shit, meeting in the conference room in five.” He reached for his tablet and shoved a pen into the chest pocket of his shirt.

“Mmm,” Rey grumbled, picking up her latte and pursing her lips at Ben as she backed out of his cube to head into her own. “And good morning to you, too, Mr. Grumpypants.”

Ben closed his eyes and hitched a quiet breath at her words, silently blessing the cube wall separating their workspaces for the little privacy it gave him. It was moments like these that brought him back to just why being Rey’s co-worker made getting through his day feel like a Sisyphean trial.

For the last two years, he’d worked with Rey, sometimes sharing projects and lab testing, but always right next door as her cube neighbor. Ever since that spring day Rey joined the firm, he’d been, well… slightly obsessed. And the worst part of it all was that Ben was one-hundred percent certain Rey did not see him in the same light.

Ben spent the entire design status meeting spinning his pen around his first and fourth fingers, sending into a little helicopter propeller motion -- something his coworkers had long learned to ignore. Ben claimed it helped him concentrate, but what exactly he was concentrating on was far from work.

_Rey._

He was stuck on on her, no matter what he did to try and break free of it, though he was the first to admit he didn’t do much to fight it. It was all too easy to let his thoughts spiral, and it seemed to getting worse with each passing week, ever since company party back in June. Their engineering firm had rented a yacht from Chelsea Piers as a company outing and had taken the staff on a scenic city skyline ride along the Hudson and East Rivers. The skies had been clear, the summer sunset bright, the music pounding, and the bar open. And like the rest of their coworkers, Ben and Rey had downed a few drinks over the three-hour dinner cruise, loosening their lips just enough for Ben to have learned all about Rey’s new boyfriend.

Well, _that_ had been a joy.

And ever since, the obsession -- which prior to that day had been a minor interest -- had flared to life like gas on a flame. Ben didn’t know what made him feel so angry hearing about Jay or Paul or whatever-the-hell his name was, but it turned his stomach sour and got his heart pounding in an entirely uncomfortable way.

The excursion over, they’d said their casual goodbyes and left for home but something inside Ben had never really left that boat’s bar. The vinyl stool he’d sat on beside Rey the whole time they'd amusedly watched their drunken colleagues make fools of themselves on the dance floor became something else entirely in Ben’s mind -- a prison of his own making: the dreaded Friend Zone.

Months passed and here they were, just weeks from Christmas, and Ben was still stuck on that damn yacht, watching Rey leave.

“What do you think, Ben?” Poe asked from across the conference room table, one ginger brow crooked in question, snatching Ben from his memories. “Will the new chassis design have room for the additional circuitry?”

Ben cleared his throat, buying time, trying to recall what the hell they might have been talking about. He took a shot and replied with a nod, “Yes, I think we could accommodate that change.”

“You think or you know?” Poe pressed. “We don’t want to go to production and have a real estate issue on our hands,” he added, steepling his fingers beneath his chin. “Why don’t you connect with Jackson on this one and have her create a 3-D prototype of the new chassis so we can be sure.”

Sucking in a breath at the mention of Rey’s name, Ben tamped down his excitement at having a reason to pull her onto his current project, making even more of an excuse to spend time with her. Feigning nonchalance, Ben shrugged. “Yeah, okay.”

“Good,” Poe said with a nod, satisfied. “That should be it for now. I’ll schedule a follow up with the team for one week from today; that should be enough time for you to get with Jackson and get what we need.”

 _I wish_ , Ben thought wryly.

“Shouldn’t be a problem,” he replied aloud, keeping his thoughts to himself as he gathered his tablet and slid his glasses back into his pocket along with his spare pen.

Ben’s heartbeat was a bit erratic as he loped back to his desk, his, six-foot-three body generally leaving him feeling a bit awkward and strange in his own skin. He needed to get his thoughts under control before talking to Rey. He peeled off the main hallway toward the men’s room to use the bathroom and just chill for a second; he was practically salivating over the chance to work closely with Rey hours at a time the following week.

 _I need to get a grip on_ \-- his thought was briskly interrupted as he turned the corner and crashed directly into a sweet-smelling wall of Rey, knocking her into the gray cube right as the collision sent Ben’s tablet slipping from his grip directly onto the toes of his shoes.

“Oi!” Rey called, surprise thick in her voice right as at the same time Ben howled beneath his breath, “Ouch, Jesus-fuck!”

“What the hell, Ben?” Rey asked, staring at him wide eyed as she rubbed her shoulder. “You practically ran me over.”

“Shit, sorry, sorry,” Ben said as he clamored to pick up his tablet and knelt to rub at the top of his left shoe. “I... think I broke my toe.” He was busy pressing down on his throbbing baby toe when Rey’s hearty laugh had him tipping his chin back up to her in disbelief. “What’s so funny?” he mumbled, the pain in his toe subsiding as he stared at the dimple on her right cheek.

Rey sighed, squatting down to be nearly eye-level. “Oh, Ben,” Rey shook her head, her hazel eyes dancing with humor, “there’s no way you broke your toe through the leather of your shoes.”

Ben blinked, realizing the pain was now completely gone. He looked down at his foot and felt the heat creep up his neck toward his hairline. “No, I guess that’s not likely.”

“Nope,” Rey agreed, shaking her head back and forth slowly. She reached over to pat Ben’s right shoulder. “C’mon, Ferdinand, let’s get you up.”

Ben stood, tucking his tablet beneath his arm. “Ferdinand?”

“You know, Ferdinand the Bull, the children’s story?”

He chuckled, “No, I must’ve missed that one.”

“Well let’s get you to your desk and you can sit and smell the flowers for a few minutes and mind that toe of yours.”

Ben didn’t know what the hell she was talking about, but it didn’t matter because Rey still had her hand on his bicep, gently leading him back toward their cubicles. Her hand felt warm even through the thin cotton of his dress shirt, his top button suddenly feeling way too constricting even though it was unbuttoned. And was that a bead of sweat rolling between his shoulder blades?

“Here we go, Solo,” Rey announced as she gently shoved him into his cube, motioning toward his chair. “Have a seat and perhaps you can distract yourself from the pain of your toe by asking me if I’m okay, considering the bull in a china shop move you just pulled.”

He was an idiot. An absolute, grade-fucking idiot.

“Oh, Rey, I’m so sorry,” Ben began, eyes wide. “I was rushing to the bathroom after the meeting and wasn’t paying attention -- did I hurt you? Are you okay?”

Rey giggled again, crossing her arms over her chest. “Of course I’m okay, you blubbering fool,” she replied, rolling her eyes playfully. “I’m not quite as delicate as china.”

Ben swallowed, images of Rey in delicate lace, delicate positions, her delicate skin marked by him... they flooding his mind at the most inappropriate moments in all of time and space. “No, of course you’re not.” It was a weak, unconvincing reply, but he'd managed it.

“Of course I’m not,” Rey echoed. “Now that that’s done with, let’s get some Thai for lunch later.”

Rey pulled her cell phone from her back pocket of her dress pants, and unlocked it, opening up the app to get an order placed for later. “I’ve been craving spring rolls.”

The side of Ben’s lip lifted in a hint of a smile, his heart rate finally settling into something resembling normalcy. “Only you could crave spring rolls. You don’t even get the fried ones.”

Rey lifted a single brow. “Well, some of us eat things that are green and some of us survive on ‘swill’ and negativity.”

Ben felt his lips twitch again as he watched the mirth in her eyes. “You’ll get my negativity in full force next week when I’m constantly dissatisfied with the 3-D prototype of our new design you make me.”

“Really?” Rey’s voice rose an octave as her eyes lit with pure excitement. “I love prototyping!”

Ben nodded. “I know, but don’t thank me. It was all Poe. We need to be sure the new design’s circuitry will fit in the chassis without having to change dimensions.”

Nodding, Rey agreed. “Makes sense. I’m sure I can find time to work on that along with my other projects.”

Rey snapped her head when the sound of her desk phone rang on the other side of the cube. “Shoot, I’m expecting a call from a vendor, lemme grab that,” she said, distractedly dropping her cell down on Ben’s desk as she shot over to her cubicle.

Just as she stepped away, Rey’s cell phone pinged, an alert lighting up her lock screen. Ben didn’t mean to look, but since the phone was tossed just inches from his face, it was hard for his eyes not to notice Millennium Match's obvious icon -- one he recognized from his own lukewarm on-and-off experiences with the same exact dating app.

Since when was Rey on a dating app? And what happened to Jay or Paul or the guy from the summer? And why the hell did Ben not know Rey was single again? And why was he staring at her phone screen, memorizing her screen name -- “R.A. Jax” -- and reading notification that some dude named Elliott wanted to connect with her?

Ben did not like this Elliott.

But Ben did have an idea.

A very, very bad idea. An idea that could help him get the one thing he’d wanted for the last six months: Rey finally seeing him as someone other than a co-worker or friend. Ben wanted out of the Friend Zone.

He ached to know what every inch of her skin felt like. He wanted to memorize the shape of her body with his hands. He yearned to recognize the taste of her tongue the way he recognized her scent on the air. He was desperate for her to see him in a new light -- not as her crabby, awkward colleague, but as a man worthy of her affection.

Maybe, someday, a man even worthy of her love.

“Desperate times and all,” Ben murmured to himself, emblazoning Rey’s screen name in his memory for after work.

He had a new profile to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kickoff chapter was inspired by John Mayer's song 'New Light'. Next chapter we shift to Bleachers for the duration so get ready... ;)
> 
> See you tomorrow for Chapter 2! Please share your comments if you feel so inclined. Happy Holidays xo


	2. You're Still a Mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to give you something better than I've been  
> I wanna write your name up on my wall  
> Wake you up in the dead of the night  
> Breaking the lines just trying to get better
> 
>    
> No God holding on tightly  
> Your love holy inside me
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'You're Still a Mystery'--

“I don’t get him, Rose,” Rey said, shaking her head as she chewed and swallowed her last bite of burger. “Sometimes it’s like he’s two different people.”

Rose took a swig of her beer and set it down, her face stone-cold serious. “Wait. Are we talking about Ben? Again?”

Rey shrugged. “Yeah. So?”

“So it seems to me that you spend an awful lot of your time thinking about the guy.”

“Well, he’s strange. It’s like… he’s a mystery I’m trying to figure out.”

A single dark brow arched over Rose’s right eye. “Uh huh. Right.”

Rey grabbed her bottle of beer and brought it to her lips, shaking her head in disagreement. “No, no. I don’t think I do.”

“Oh, really? Then why do we spend every dinner discussing him for at least forty percent of our time together?”

“We don’t,” Rey scoffed.

“We do,” Rose stated. “I think he sounds a little strange, yeah, but mostly he sounds… I don’t know… nice?”

“Ha,” Rey said, cocking her head, “Ben is anything but nice. He’s constantly in a sour mood, all worked up and mumbling to himself. And the other half of the time, he’s quiet and barely speaks a word to me. I’m lucky to get a gruff nod those days.”

It was quiet for a moment before Rose gently placed her hand on top of Rey’s and asked, “So why do you hang out with him?”

“I… don’t know,” Rey shrugged. “Sometimes I think he’s lonely. Sometimes I think he’s shy and just needs someone to help break the ice. And when he comes out of his gloomy shell, he’s actually really funny and he... “ Rey felt a smile tug at her lips. “He makes me laugh.”

“And you’re sure you maybe don’t like him? Just a little bit?” Rose pressed, smiling at her best friend across the table.

“He’s just not my type,” Rey answered, shaking her head.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Rose grinned. “What exactly is your type these days, Jackson? Last I knew, you were pretty in to tall, dark and handsome. Does this Ben not fit that bill?”

Rey felt her cheeks blush. “I think I need someone more…” she sighed, shaking her head again. “I don’t know. Just someone more into me. Like, who I am as a person.”

“You deserve that,” Rose agreed. “I just don’t know why you think he’s not into you. I mean, you know you’re adorable. You run nine miles a week and you’re fit as hell, you’re a mechanical engineer who likes to fix cars in your spare time. Let’s face it -- you’re any dude’s wet dream.”

Rey’s flush darkened further. “Thanks, Rose, that’s sweet of you to say, but I’m clearly not his type.”

“Aha!” Rose exclaimed, her eyes glinting with glee, “I knew it. You _like_ him!”

“I do not!”

“You just keep telling yourself that, sister,” Rose said, bringing her beer back to her lips and tossing back what was left of the bottle.

An hour later, Rey was home, flopped down on her couch in her cozy flannel PJ’s opening up her Millennium Match app.

She’d never tried a dating app before but when she’d heard about this one, she figured she’d try it. After she and James had parted ways two months ago, their summer romance as short-lived as the season itself, Rey had found herself wondering if she’d ever find “the one.”

Between work and a scarce group of mutual friends still in the city after getting jobs and moving on after grad school, Rey didn’t have a ton of outlets in which to meet new people. A dating app had seemed like a good idea at the time. But after almost a month on the site, Rey hadn’t found more than three or four profiles that piqued her curiosity, and each of them had turned out to be of little interest once she had a couple brief interchanges online.

Rey sighed as she scrolled through the profiles of the people who’d shown interest in making a connection with her, seeing the same images she’d seen for weeks until a picture she didn’t recognize caught her eye.

The photo was in low light, barely more than a silhouette of a man who seemed quite tall and broad against a backlit background. She couldn’t tell if his hair was short or pulled back, but by the wisps in shadow near his neck, Rey thought maybe it was back in a man-bun kind of thing. She couldn’t decipher much about his appearance other than he was _big_. Built. And completely shirtless.

She swallowed, her mouth suddenly flooding with saliva as her heart sped in her chest. Rey never reacted to profile pictures like this.

With an eager finger, she swiped right on Kylo Ren.

 

*

 

From the pillow beside his head, Ben’s phone pinged and his tense body reacted to the sound with a startled jerk. “Shit!”

He palmed his phone in his hand and his pulse pounded in his throat when he saw the sound was a notification from Millennium Match.

“It worked,” he breathed, looking at the message alerting him that an R.A. Jax had swiped right on him, too. “Okay, okay,” he muttered to himself, scrambling to set up and lean against his headboard, “stay cool.”

His right hand shook as he tapped Rey’s profile - the little green dot indicating she was active online - and began to compose a message. It took about forty seconds for him to decide to go with _Hi_.

Immediately, his phone pinged with her reply.

 

>>Hello to you

>>How are you?

 

Ben cursed beneath his breath at his ineptitude. Why couldn’t he just sound intriguing instead of like a high schooler?

 

>>I’m fine and you?

 

Ben took a deep breath. This wasn’t him, this was Kylo -- and Kylo could do all the things Ben wasn’t brave enough or cool enough or confident enough or comfortable enough to ever do. Exhaling slowly and willing his pounding heart to settle down, Ben replied.

 

>>Better now.

 

His phone was quiet for a full minute, sending Ben’s blood pressure skyrocketing once again, before Rey’s reply came through.

 

>>That’s bold of you

 

>>Why pretend like I didn’t want you to contact me when I’ve been sitting here thinking about you for an hour

 

Ben hit send on the message and cringed, squinting his eyes down at his phone wondering if he’d just killed all possibility of hope with this ridiculous plan. After another agonizing minute, a reply appeared on his screen.

 

>>And what exactly was it about my profile that you liked so much?

 

>>Besides your pic, you mean?

 

Ben wondered if this was flirting. If it was, he was simultaneously in awe over the tingling feeling deep in his belly -- more like a flock of geese than butterflies -- and hating the way his palms were sweating and the way he felt almost lightheaded.

 

>>Don’t judge a book by its cover and all that

 

He huffed a laugh. Fuck it, he thought to himself. Kylo Ren had something to say about that.

 

>>Didn’t you?

>>What was it about me that caught your attention?

>>I’m sure it wasn’t my obvious good looks

 

>>Your pic was a little... mysterious

 

>>And you like that?

 

>>OK. I’ll answer honestly

>>I liked your chest

>>Your turn

 

Ben sucked in a breath. _Ho-leee shit._

 

>>I liked your smile

>>Your mouth

 

Again, Ben waited, not breathing, not moving an inch. Was he being a disgusting pervert? Would he scare Rey away and ruin any chance he had of ever finding himself closer to her? Finally, after a full eighty four seconds (he counted), Rey’s reply pinged his phone.

 

>>Tell me more about yourself, mysterious Kylo

 

A grin stretched wide across his face, and Ben settled back onto his headboard, finally feeling like he’d been granted some sort of permission for which he’d never truly asked. He started typing line after line, little snippets about himself -- all true -- just things he never had the guts to share in his real life.

He told Rey that Kylo was an only child, and grew up pretty independently. His parents had divorced when he was young, and shortly after his father died in a car accident. He told her he worked in insurance and traveled a lot, which he most definitely did _not_ , but he hoped the white lie would steer Rey away from asking too much about his profession. He admitted that he was often lonely, and spent a disproportionate amount of his personal time at the gym simply because he had nothing better to do -- and no one to do it with.

Rey shared things about herself in return, and Ben was surprised to realize most of what she messaged him were things he already knew about her from their real-life interaction at work over the last couple of years. He’d known from casual conversation that Rey, too, was an only child. But what Ben hadn’t known was that she was a product of an unfortunate youth spent in orphanages and foster homes until she became emancipated early at age seventeen.

The thought of sweet, smart, lively Rey spending all those years alone and suffering made something deep within his ribcage ache, made his heart race with bursts of anger toward the injustice of it all. His fingers whipped across his phone screen, and for a moment he didn’t know if it was Kylo or Ben typing a reply.

 

>>You’re not alone

 

>>Neither are you

Rey’s reply came moments later, along with a picture of what he knew had to be her hand in her lap, palm upturned in silent question, as if waiting for him to hold it.

Ben groaned.

There was no other word for it -- a sound from deep in the back of his throat filled with longing, need, relief and heartbreak all at once.

His fingers ached to slide against hers and touch that warm, soft skin he felt through his dress shirt that morning. He squeezed his palm into a fist, wishing he could feel something other than empty air and his own bones and tendons.

He wanted to prove how much he wanted her, how amazing she’d made him feel with those three simple words. And though he’d started this whole thing as brave Kylo, all Ben desperately wanted was to give something of himself, something that would make Rey feel safe and wanted, the way the picture of her hand had made him feel.

 

>>Can I send you a picture?

 

>>... yes?

 

Ben smiled at her timid reply. He was certain she expected a dick pic to come through the app at any moment. Instead, he did a search on his phone and sent a zoomed in image of the near-touching hands of Michaelangelo’s _Creation of Adam_ painting, hoping it conveyed what he was trying to communicate.

 

>>Oh

 

When Rey replied, Ben wasn’t sure he’d been successful. Her single word left him scrambling, trying to backtrack and return to the easy chat and banter from before.

 

>>Sorry if that was too much it just made me think of that

>>Anyway never mind

 

>>No! Sorry no it wasn’t too much

>>It was beautiful

 

_Like you_ , Ben thought.

 

>>Glad you liked

>>So I need to ask you something

 

>>Yes?

 

>>It’s really deep and personal, fair warning

 

>>okay…

 

>>What does R.A. stand for?

 

>>LOL

>>oh my gosh you really had me nervous there

 

>>well your boy Kylo wants to know who he just held hands with

>>that’s a lot for a first date you know

 

>>First date? You’re cute

 

Ben blushed as he replied, pushing again to see if Rey would reveal her name.

 

>>And you’re only initials

>>Tell me your name, pretty girl

 

>>You already know

 

_Fuck_.

 

Where did he screw up? How had she figured him out so quickly? He was so, _so_ dead. He sat with his phone in his right hand, his left angrily shoving stray locks of hair that had fallen out of the tie-back at the top of his head. He started sweating again, his hand finally settling over the thin seam of his pressed lips as he stared at the phone and waited for whatever horrible thing was coming next.

But it never came.

Instead, another message appeared after an interminably long moment.

 

>>My name is Rey. I just use the initials to keep some semblance of privacy

 

Ben’s hand dropped from his mouth as he huffed out a huge sigh, his body sagging and his eyes closing in utter relief.

 

>>Rey

>>I like it. Little sunshine

 

>>I don’t know about that…

 

>>I do

>>I’m already happier in the last hour chatting with you than I’ve been in months

>>Maybe years

 

>>That’s… another wow

 

>>Send me another picture of yourself

>>Not your hands

>>Wow me

 

>>If you’re a good boy maybe I will...

 

Goddamn if that didn’t make him halfway hard. She was killing him slowly. Just the thought of Rey even considering sending him another picture was almost more than he could handle.

Ben had spent months fantasizing about how he could get Rey to ever talk to him like this, to see him in a different way, and here he was mere hours after creating his alter ego and it was perfect. He bit the corner of his lip, debating whether he should reply with the thought that just came to mind. Would it scare her off once and for all? Or could Kylo Ren help show her just what Ben was capable of?

She was perfect. His plan, though far from perfect and not very well crafted in its planning phase, nevertheless was working with the kind of engineering precision he was accustomed to. Somehow, he’d figure it out. He’d think on it and come up with a way to tell Rey the truth and make it right.

Some day, he’d fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness. She’d wrap her arms around his shoulders as he pressed the side of his face to her stomach, engulfing him in her light, righting his sins, making him holy and whole.

But for now, he needed to make her see. He needed to keep her in the dark for just a while longer.

He needed to bring this Kylo to life.

 

>>I can be very *very* good

>>Let me show you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, this can't end well, can it??
> 
> [Spoiler: It can.]
> 
> Thank you for reading! xo


	3. Shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And if you're feeling small  
> I'll love your shadow  
> And when the lights go dark  
> I will stand right beside you  
> If you're feeling small  
> I'll love your shadow
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Shadow'

 

Rey stared at her phone, her jaw hanging open in disbelief. At dinner earlier, she’d been resigned to probably spending the rest of her life alone. She’d already googled cats up for adoption at the local shelter because she’d been fairly convinced after her talk with Rose that she’d be one of those career women who eventually turned into an old cat lady. And that was okay.

 

Mostly.

 

Despite the deep ache she felt at the thought of it, Rey knew she’d rather be alone than with the wrong guy. Her last few boyfriends had all but ruined Rey’s concept of healthy relationships and love… between James cheating on her this summer and the Compulsive Liar Chris before him, she was just tired of feeling cheap and used.

 

What she wanted -- what she dreamed about when she let her mind wander to that magical imagined future where she had a loving husband, a cozy home, maybe a kid or two running around -- was someone who would simply stand by her side. When she was feeling small, Dream Husband would bolster her. When she felt lost in the dark, he’d be right there, a shadow beside her.

 

Dream Husband would care about her deeply -- intense, obvious, and unashamed of his passion.

 

And he’d simply _know_ her.

 

So though she’d been reluctant to set up a profile on Millenium Match she figured at least she could put herself out there in a controlled environment and really decide if she was interested in pursuing anyone after giving herself time and space for thoughtful consideration.

 

There was absolutely no thoughtful consideration happening right now.

 

>>Let me show you...

 

 _Jesus_ , Rey thought, _it’s hot in here._

 

Rey pawed at her flannel shirt and started undoing the buttons, stripping down to her white tank top. She was flushed from her chest upward; she wouldn’t be surprised if the ends of her hair were blushing too.

 

Not after the way this man was talking to her.

 

This Kylo was completely unfiltered in his conversation, but Rey felt like every word he shared was brutally honest. It’s like he had no pretense; he didn’t tip-toe around her feelings or say things she thought _he thought_ she wanted to hear. He seemed intense and decisive; a man who knew what he wanted, and not shy to ask for it. And Rey felt he wanted _her_.

 

Rey felt _wanted_.

 

And that was maybe the sexiest thing of all about Kylo.

 

So with only the tiniest reservation from the part of her brain who watched and questioned what the hell Rey thought she was doing engaging in this kind of talk with a virtual stranger, she typed her reply.

 

>>Show me

>>Whatever you want to show me

 

She dug her teeth into her bottom lip and waited.

 

What came through next on the app wasn’t at all what Rey expected. She’d been bracing herself for a picture of him, maybe something something a little risky. Hell, maybe something a LOT dirty. Either way, when she’d told him he could show her, she kind of thought he’d _show_ her… something.

 

Her cell phone screen lit up with a zoomed-in image of a man’s large hands palming the globe of a woman’s rear, the material of a tiny white thong threading between the pointer and finger of his right hand in a strangely possessive, gentle caress.

 

“Ohhh,” Rey gasped, the shock of it all -- the image, the boldness of him having sent it, the surprise of it not being a tasteless shove of the camera down his pants -- leaving her a puddle of speechless drool. The picture he'd sent was so honest it made Rey feel like she could spare to let her guard down a little more, too.

 

She exhaled slowly as she typed a reply.

 

>>Well that was not what I was expecting

 

Kylo's reply came back immediately.

 

>>I want to know you

>>What you like, what turns you on

>>And now you’ll know the things I’m thinking about doing with you

 

Rey shot up from the couch, dropping her phone on the coffee table behind her.

 

“Holy shit,” she muttered on her way to the kitchen to get herself a tall glass of water. Freezing cold water, to be precise, because she felt like she would spontaneously combust at any moment. She needed to hydrate, to cool down, to…to... _something_ for God’s sake besides stripping naked and jumping into a cold shower.

 

Rey filled her glass and gulped it down, but her hasty, shaking hand sent a small dribble of cold water down her chin. The spill slid down her neck, a tiny cold pool settling at the notch of her collarbone.

 

“Dammit,” she mumbled, reaching for a paper towel to clean up her sloppiness, but as she moved, the droplets slid from her collarbone straight beneath the top seam of her tank top, the chilly liquid coming to a stop on the flesh of her left breast. As she stared down at the damp spot seeping through her top, her nipples, stiffened into strained peaks, pressed angrily against the cotton of her tank.

 

Slowly, Rey set the glass back down on the counter. Her heart smacked against her ribcage, wild and wicked with the crazy idea that just flitted into her brain. She pivoted on her heel and walked back to the living room in a daze, her breath coming in rapid puffs, the heat of each exhale ghosting over the damp trail of water still on her neck. A shiver rolled through her body at the stark contrast between the chilly wet spot on her breast and her warm, damp of breath.

 

Retrieving her phone, Rey sat down gingerly on the couch and opened up her camera app, switching it to the front facing lens.

 

“I can’t believe I’m about to do this,” she huffed, digging her top teeth into her bottom lip, steeling her nerve.

 

Rey aimed the lens down to catch the bottom of her chin, making the angle such that her neck and chest were visible on the screen, the lamplight caught the wetness lingering along the column of her neck, her left nipple clearly showing her arousal beneath her shirt. She took the picture and quickly edited it to be black and white to match the style of photo Kylo had sent her, then attached it to her chat window and pressed send before she could change her mind.

 

Though she knew the picture he’d sent was a public domain photo of some sort, she wondered if he would realize the image she’d shared was of herself and not an internet photo. Rey’s emotions waffled between hoping he’d immediately guess the photo was of her own body and praying to any deity that would listen that he’d never suspect her to take such a brazen action mere hours after connecting with him, for all intents and purposes, a virtual stranger.

 

Time moved in slow motion as Rey waited for Kylo's reaction. In reality, the man's reply came within seconds, and with it, a rush of desire coiled deep in her belly, an electric thrill running along her spine as she read his words.

 

>>You’re even more amazing than I imagined

 

Rey’s eyelids slipped closed, her breath leaving her body in a relieved exhale. Her reaction made her realize she’d secretly been hoping he’d know it _was_ a selfie -- that he’d intuitively recognize her form -- that he’d _know_ her.

 

She typed a reply, again biting her lip to fight the wild grin tugging at her lips.

 

>>Quite the compliment, Kylo

 

>>Only the truth, Rey

 

Warmth flooded her chest, and Rey couldn’t feel the wet spot on her tank top anymore. It was probably long gone, turned to steamy vapors minutes ago. As she stared down at her phone, her eye drifted and caught the timestamp at the top of the screen and she groaned.

 

It was well after midnight. How had hours passed already? Rey was loathe to end their chat. She had an irrational fear that she was Cinderella in this scenario, about to run off after the ball, her prince lost once the magic of the moment had passed. But the morning would come quickly, and she and Ben had agreed to meet at seven to go over the schematics and the redesigned circuit board for their project.

 

Sighing, Rey tapped the keys to start her reluctant goodbye.

 

>>I hate to leave, but I think I need to go to bed

 

>>You definitely need to go to bed...

>>...with me

 

Rey giggled as the grin she’d been fighting broke free.

 

>>I walked right into that one didn’t I?

 

>>You kinda did

 

Still smiling, Rey tried again.

 

>>But I really do need to *sleep*

 

Ben’s reply came instantly, making her smile.

 

>>Sleep tight, pretty girl

>>I’ll find you here again

 

She ran her right pinkie along her bottom lip, sorry to walk away from this… whatever this was. Finally, Rey tapped out one last message.

 

>>Promise?

 

>>Only the truth from me, Rey

>>Good night

 

>>Good night, Kylo

 

Logging out of the app, Rey stood and went to the kitchen to close up for the night, retrieving her discarded flannel PJ shirt along the way. She headed toward her bedroom, the chill in the apartment suddenly more intense with every passing moment away from her online chat, with every step deeper toward the dark bedroom at the end of the hall. She flipped on the lights and grabbed an extra blanket for the foot of her bed before popping into her bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.

 

By the time she slid beneath her cool sheets, Rey was already regretting the bold moves she’d made in the last hour.

 

What nice, upstanding girl behaved so wantonly? Kylo seemed like a brave, bad boy, but if this part of her was what he wanted, what would happen when he finally met her? The _real_ her? The no-nonsense, independent mechanical engineer who worked so hard to make a name for herself... the young woman who’d been hurt too many times to count... the parts of her that, despite her effort to hide them, were lonely and shy and sometimes insecure?

 

Kylo had stated nothing but truth...

 

But what was Rey’s truth? Had this… strange desire always been inside of her, waiting to be kindled awake?

 

Rey sighed and turned on her side, curling around her knees to stay warm. She bunched the blankets beneath her chin and closed her eyes, forcing her racing thoughts to soothe themselves. In her memory, she saw Kylo’s words on her phone screen, wishing her goodnight.

 

_Sleep tight, pretty girl._

 

Suddenly, Rey felt warm again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and the reviews; every single one is appreciated more than you know. xo


	4. I Want to Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woke up this morning early before my family  
> From this dream where she was trying to show me  
> How a life can move from the darkness  
> She said to get better
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'I Want to Get Better'

**CHAPTER 4: I Want To Get Better**

  


Ben Solo didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

He’d risen well before dawn and spent an unreasonable amount of time sitting at the edge of his bed, head resting on his hands, wondering why in hell he’d thought creating a fake profile was a good idea.

He groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and wondering just how he was going to manage getting through the day working side-by-side with Rey. If he thought being in her company _before all this_  was a little jarring, Ben couldn’t imagine how he could be productive now when, in the back of his mind, he’d be seeing the picture Rey sent him last night. And damn, receiving it from her had near about killed him.

That long, sleek column of her neck with… was it sweat, water? Ben didn’t know what it was that had gotten Rey wet, but he hoped to holy hell it had to do with him.

Or, well, _Kylo_.

“Shit,” Ben breathed. He stood and made his way toward the bathroom, shuffling along with about as much enthusiasm as a man to the guillotine. He was well and truly fucked, and he’d no one to blame but himself for his harebrained idea.

Standing under the spray of the shower, hot water dripping down the length of his dark hair and across his broad chest, Ben’s conscience switched from waving caution flags to displaying neon red signs flashing ‘abort!’ This situation was a disaster waiting to happen -- part of him knew that before he'd ever opened that damn app.

He rinsed the last of the conditioner out of his shoulder length shag of hair and turned off the tap, using the flat of his palms to sluice the water off his skin. He shoved open the shower curtain and stepped out onto the mat, standing in the steam like a giant version of a boy lost. Ben grabbed his towel and dried off before swiping his hand to clear the steam from the mirror.

Ben stared at his reflection, feeling remorse bubble up from the depths of his soul. He braced his arms on either side of the sink and leaned forward for a closer inspection. His dark eyes roamed over his face and lingered on the protruding ears his wet hair no longer hid. Ben always hated them, along with his prominent nose. The moles smattering his face didn’t do him any favors with the girls growing up, either, and Ben knew that now, even at twenty-nine, there was a part of him that still felt like the awkward, oafish, too-big teenager he’d been.

The self-doubt that plagued him back then sure stuck around. Ben did his best to hide it by keeping to himself and maintaining a low-profile. At work, he was serious and extremely competent, known among the team of fellow electrical engineers to keep his nose to the grindstone and get the job done with precision and efficiency. He was polite, but not overly animated. In fact, the lukewarm camaraderie Ben had developed with Rey over the last year was probably his only real relationship beside those of pure professional courtesy among his colleagues.

And outside of work? Well, it was much of the same. Besides his near-daily visits to the gym, Ben didn’t have much on his calendar. He wasn’t a particularly social man.

He tried, and for a while when his college friends were still in the city, he’d made an effort to have some sort of life outside of his job. But within a few years, they’d all grown tired of the city life and had each moved on to different adventures --  Bazine high-tailed it to sunny San Diego. Hux took a cross-country road trip four years ago and decided never to come back. Three weeks after that, Phas finally caved to her pining over Hux and followed him out west.

The staffs at the gym and his favorite coffee shop were probably the only people who actually saw Ben on a regular basis, besides the occasional weekend train trip to visit his mother out on Long Island.

Besides Rey, of course.

Rey, who continued to talk to him cheerfully every day, even when he was a surly ass. Rey, who grabbed an extra coffee for him when she made a stop for herself. Rey, who never failed to ask him to pick up lunch with her at least twice a week, even though half the time he just complained about her food choices.

Rey… who smiled at him despite his inability to emerge from behind the irritable mask he wore; his enigmatic persona a helmet he’d designed a long time ago to shield himself from his own dark, spiraling thoughts about his self-worth.

Rey… who trusted him with her friendship and who was beginning to trust Kylo with something more of herself, something for which Ben would slay another man if he took such a gift of hers for granted.

He clenched his jaw and lifted his chin, his decision made.

His voice gruff from lack of sleep and hours of contemplation, Ben directed his words to the reflection in the glass, a command and a doctrine: “I know what I have to do.”

  


*

  


An hour later in the small design lab at the office, Ben sat across from Rey, trying really, really hard to focus. He’d known this morning would be a challenge, and that was _before_ he’d decided he had to come clean about what he’d done on Millennium Match. His mind was a jumble of clashing thoughts and desires. He ached to make Rey happy, to reveal himself as the man she’d begun to open up to the night before. And yet, he dreaded making the confession he was one-hundred percent certain would push her away from both Kylo _and_ him for good.

“Ben? Earth to Ben.”

Ben blinked and shot a glance at Rey, her voice startling him out of his obsessive deliberation. He cleared his throat. “Sorry,” he said, running his right hand through his hair with a sharp tug. “I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh,” Rey said, her voice sounding peculiarly strained. “I’m sorry.”

The obvious  flush that crawled across Rey’s cheeks caught Ben’s eye and he couldn’t help but wonder what it was she was thinking about that brought on the reaction. Could it have anything to do with the chat she’d had with Kylo?

Ben’s brain lost the fight to mind his own damn business as he blurted out, “How did _you_ sleep?”

Rey’s lips worked for a moment, her eyes widening in surprise. “Um, well,” she replied, then cleared her throat. “Really well.” Her cheeks pinked further.

“That’s… nice.” Ben swallowed and clenched his jaw tight. _Do not say another damn word, Solo._

“Yes,” Rey agreed, her nod and overly bright smile somehow off from Ben’s perspective. “Very nice.” She cleared her throat and placed the tip of her pointer finger on the printed schematic unfurled on the table between them. “So what I was asking about before…”

Ben did his best to concentrate on the design questions at hand, not Rey’s pink lips or the long column of her neck he’d seen in a completely new light on his phone screen the night before. It was very… _hard_.

And so was he. And this was work and he wasn't in middle school anymore and this was just _bad_.

Minutes passed, and Ben grunted monosyllabic replies to Rey’s questions, running through every concept he'd been forced to memorize in engineering school from Ohm's Law onward just to get his body under control.

Finally, as Rey announced she had the information she needed to start working on the revised prototype, Ben’s head shot up in attention, finally risking a glance directly at her again.

“So," she was saying, "maybe I’ll see you later? The whole mechanical team is having a staff meeting in about ten minutes and I really need to pee,” she said with a cheeky grin, completely oblivious to the painful distraction he'd been fighting for the last fifteen minutes.

"Sure, yeah," he said before darting his eyes to the door behind him, making sure the hallway outside was quiet. It was now or never. As he turned back to face her, Rey was just grabbing the last of her supplies and making a beeline for the door.

“Rey, wait!”

She stopped immediately, about-facing with wide eyes and pinked cheeks, her breath coming quickly. Ben’s thoughts swirled incessantly, the questions coming at a relentless pace: why did it look like she was… aroused? For God’s sake could he not control his damn hormones for three minutes to confess his sins?

“Um, Rey.” His voice was a deep rumble, his intended words getting lost in the depth of her hazel eyes and the soft, quickened breaths she took.

“Yes?” she whispered.

“I need to… uh,” he shook his head with a sigh, “tell you…” Ben looked down at his shoes, squeezing his eyes tight.

Rey took a step closer and Rey’s black ballet flats entered his view. “Tell me what, Ben?”

“Tell y-youuu…” his voice wavered, the words coming out in an unbidden sing-song, he sucks in another lungful of air before exhaling in a mad rush as he says, “I really liked that new sandwich place on Adams we tried last week.”

A deep crease formed between Rey’s brows, yet she gave him a gentle, curious smile. “Oh-kay,” she said slowly, dragging out the word, “that’s good to know…?”

“We should pick up from there today,” Ben said, nodding once affirmatively, doing his damndest to sound normal.

On the inside, his neon ‘abort’ signs malfunctioned, flickering as if possessed, then exploded.

“Sure, Ben,” Rey said with a chuckle, “I’ll find you after my staff meeting.” She started walking backwards out the conference room door, keeping her smiling eyes on Ben. “You know how we mechanical engineers can just drone on and on…”

It took a moment before Ben realized she was joking with him. Rey just made a joke. And he just failed in the one thing he was supposed to accomplish today.

“Haha, right,” Ben barked out an over-enthusiastic laugh, attempting to make up for his obviously strange behavior and evident distraction. “Okay, yeah, see you when you’re done,” he said with another nod.

Rey left and Ben turned his back on the doorway, staring at the empty room, his face flushing with heated frustration. He was so angry with himself -- not only for dicking out and not telling Rey the truth like he’d resolved to do -- but also for his moronic behavior.

Could he be  _more_ of a fucking idiot?

Anger coursed through his veins and Ben swiped his pen and notebook off the table onto the floor, scattering his supplies all over the industrial carpet. He hated when these childlike tantrums took hold of him, but Ben had learned long ago that trying to keep them contained would only lead to a bigger, more massive blowup later.

He sank down onto a chair and hung his head in his hands, breathing deeply. He wanted to get better; _be_ better. He wanted to be better man for Rey, but the years of self-doubt and his absolute debilitating lack of confidence left him feeling stunted half the time.

It was a miracle he’d ever even managed to have a girlfriend, though his relationships in the past had been few and fleeting. He’d racked up a little more experience with women simply by casual dating once he’d become more ingrained in the professional world -- one-night stands here and there with consenting women who seemed to simply be looking to scratch an itch -- just like he’d been.

But ever since he’d come to know Rey… interest in going to a bar to chat up a potential partner had dissolved, leaving Ben celibate by default.

And _that_ sure as hell didn’t help him mitigate the testosterone tantrums.

The regular visits to the gym helped quell that pent-up energy, and Ben knew the main reason he was so jacked beneath his work clothes was the fact that he was getting no action whatsoever. Zero. Zippo. Zilch.

But _Kylo_ …

Ben sucked in a breath as the thought crossed his mind. It was so _very_ wrong, but Ben recognized the truth of it: Kylo had already had more action in a two-hour online chat than Ben had had in nearly a year.

Maybe Ben could learn a little bit from Kylo, for just one more night. After that, he’d come clean with Rey, deal with the fallout, beg her forgiveness, and pray for the chance to show her all Kylo had taught him about himself.

Looking behind him to make sure no one else was around, Ben took an extra moment alone in the conference room to open up Millennium Match and send another bold message to Rey… something he’d been thinking about all morning.

 

>>I didn’t know I was lonely until I saw your face

 

He pressed send and quickly pocketed his phone, his heart hammering in his chest at the risk of potentially being caught by anyone waltzing into the room, or even Rey herself. Guilt welled up to match the thrumming of his pulse, and Ben felt conflicted all over again. It was like suddenly developing a split personality and he wasn’t at all comfortable with the jumbled emotions of both him and Kylo -- a monster of his own making -- fighting for dominance.

Ben released a heavy sigh.

_Well,_ he thought, _the damage is already done._

One more night of this facade couldn’t make that much of a difference, could it?

  


*

  


Ben was starting to panic. He’d heard nothing from Rey all day, not even a reply to the lame "hello" he sent thirty minutes earlier when he finally got back to his apartment. He obsessively refreshed the window on his phone, looking for the little icon next to her name to turn green. He’d already gone to the gym right after work and lifted for an hour before doing a five mile run, just to force himself to stick to his routine and be patient. When he’d gotten home, he’d made himself put his phone on the charger without logging into the app while he took a shower. He’d changed into a pair of low-slung flannels and gotten himself a huge glass of water before finally -- finally! -- letting himself sign in to Kylo’s profile.

But still no Rey.

Had she figured out the ruse? Did she suspect him after his odd behavior at work today? Had she… found someone on the app she simply liked better?

A bubble of jealousy curled beneath his ribs, and Ben had to fight to distract himself enough from bashing his fist into his dresser mirror. _That_ wouldn’t accomplish anything. No, he could channel his intensity and be productive at the same time. He had to believe Rey would be online soon, and Kylo had the imperative task of wooing her with sexual imagery. So Ben got to work.

He knew exactly the kind of thing he wanted to send next, he just had to find the right photo to convey it. A brief keyword search resulted in a slew of black and white images, and almost immediately Ben’s eyes caught something perfect.

“Here we go,” he spoke beneath his breath to his empty room, his fingers tapping the phone screen to save the gif so he could message it to Rey through the app.

The image in place, he added a second image, this one simply type-set words from a Neruda poem he’d read in college:

 

>>In one kiss you’ll know all I haven’t said

 

Ben sent the images and tossed his phone on his nightstand, forcing himself to walk away. If Rey didn’t reply, her message of disinterest would be heard loud and clear. He’d distract himself with a sandwich and pray that when he came back in his room to check the phone, there’d be a message from her.

His long legs had him almost out the bedroom door when his phone pinged. He didn’t even have to look at the alert. Just like he could smell her sweet, clean perfume the minute she entered a room, Ben had already seemed to develop a sixth sense for her in other ways. He knew with every fiber of his being she was online and had just messaged him back.

  
He dove for his phone and flopped back down on his bed, feeling like at long last his night was getting started. As he unlocked his screen and read her message, the thought crossed Ben's mind that maybe it was his _life_  finally getting started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments and kudos give me life and help keep me committed to this daily posting schedule. THANK YOU for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me! 
> 
> These Space Babies will earn their HEA, I promise. xo


	5. Reckless Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could use a bad disguise  
> To guard me in the darkest nights  
> I keep finding my way to the harshest words  
> I've got a strange, strange vision  
> Of a reckless love  
> Standing in a world of my own  
> They call it reckless love
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Reckless Love'

 

Time moved in slow motion for Rey. She’d watched the clock all day, counting seconds until she could slip out of work and get to her Thursday night kickboxing class. She’d hoped the activity would knock the arousal right out of her, but all that sweating and kicking and power left her hornier than she’d been all day. 

And that was saying something.

Because when her meeting ended right before lunch, Rey’d checked her phone and to see an alert icon on her Millennium Match app, and she’d made the fatal mistake of checking it from her cube right then rather than waiting until she was home and in private.

Kylo had messaged her.

 

>>I never knew I was lonely until I saw your face

 

_ Oh my god.  _

Rey’s throat had felt thick, pressure welling behind her eyes. She'd had no idea what she could possibly say in reply. She could have told Kylo the truth, that his words were making her feel things she’d given up hope of ever experiencing: feeling desired, cherished… simply  _ wanted _ . Her cheeks had flushed with heat as she'd swiped a knuckle beneath her right eye to catch the moisture pooled there. She'd been reaching for a tissue when Ben’s deep baritone startled her.

“Knock, knock,” Ben had announced.

Rey'd turned to see his hulking frame draped along the entrance of her cubicle. It was almost comical the way he took up so much space, his body broad and long yet somehow still lithe as he'd leaned against the cube wall.

“Hey,” she said, her voice sounding thick.  She'd sniffled and blew her nose quickly, using the tissue to mask her face.

Ben’s countenance changed when he'd gotten a look at her face. His jaw clenched and his eyes had narrowed as he stared at her in silence for a beat too long. “You okay?” he'd asked, and his voice was so soft and gentle that Rey felt further burning in her nose as more tears threatened to spill.

“Fine,” she'd lied, “just allergies.”

Ben stared at her from the entryway a few seconds longer before he'd finally said, “You hungry? Want lunch?”

Rey had sniffled again and gave him a look that could only be interpreted as  _ what do you think _ ?

“Ah,” Ben said, lips twitching, “You do. Of course you do.” He'd tapped a drumbeat to the top of her cubicle wall and gave Rey a goofy smile. “Silly question.”

Despite herself, Rey had laughed. “You should know better by now.”

“Hmm,” Ben had agreed with a nod, his expression indecipherable. His dark gaze softened, his shoulders dropped just a bit, and it looked like his whole, hulking body melted a little as he'd stood in hushed silence. It looked for a moment like he’d had something more to say, but changed his mind. Finally, Ben flattened his lips into a slight smile.“I’ll meet you by the elevator in ten,” he'd announced before spinning around and loping down the corridor to the lobby.

Confused by the sudden flutter of attraction deep in her belly, Rey had shot him gentle grin and told him she’d be ready to leave in a few minutes.

As soon as he was out of sight, Rey had spun in her desk chair and started at her reflection in her darkened computer screen. With the backs of both hands, she angrily swiped the apples of her cheeks, frustrated by her indiscriminate desires. How could she have been swooning over Kylo’s message in one moment, then two seconds later be feeling the hots for Ben?

Especially after she’d lied through her teeth when Rose had called her out on it the night before.  Especially when those old, unrequited feelings were a waste of her time.

Ben was… difficult. And he’d failed to pick up on her subtle interest for nearly two years so it was just sheer madness to think anything would change. Hell, if she truly believed Ben would ever pay attention to her as much as whatever project they were working on, she’d never have had to resort to joining Millennium Match.

But he was grumpy seventy percent of the time, and enigmatic the other thirty, and Rey had given up months ago trying to figure him out. They were work friends… buddies… and that was the end of that.

Rey had stood, giving a slight shake of her head to clear her thoughts before pulling her purse up onto her desk, desperately in need of a quick touch-up on her smudged makeup. As she had finger-combed her hair with one hand and shoved her cosmetic case back in her bag with the other, her phone had vibrated with a message from the app.

Rey had bit her lip and unlocked her phone, her heart battering her ribcage. She hadn’t even had a chance to process what he’d sent a few minutes earlier. The man was going to be the end of her and she hadn’t even seen his face!

She'd stared at the screen, her freshly fixed makeup about to be ruined again. 

 

>>In one kiss you’ll know all I haven’t said

 

It hadn't been just those nine words Kylo sent that stirred her. He’d attached a gif. Rey’s eyes followed the black and white image of a woman with her head tilted back, the long line of her neck catching the light in profile. From off the screen, the shadowed shape of a man’s face appeared, leaning in to press a sensual kiss to her throat. The pixels shifted and slid, repeating themselves on an endless loop of …  _ fuck _ .

Her knees had gone weak, and Rey had just enough functioning brain cells to comprehend the fact that  _ swooning was real  _ as she slid into her chair, the wheels rolling her backward a few inches with the uncontrolled motion.

That was  _ not _ what she’d expected to hear from Kylo.

Sure, the man she’d chatted with the night before had been bold and sexy as hell, but she’d never have thought he could also sweep her off her feet -- quite literally -- with words.

Rey had stared at the message, her pulse pounding along the column of her neck, her belly tingling as she re-read the line she recognized from a Pablo Neruda poem.

“Jesus  _ Christ _ ,” she'd breathed, her voice a mere whisper.

She’d immediately messaged Rose asking her friend to meet at their favorite bar at seven that night. Rey'd needed to spill her guts and have someone remind her it was impossible to fall in love with a man she’d never seen, never spoken to, and knew virtually nothing about.

She also knew she could count on Rose to bring up Ben, which would in turn force her Rey to deny, deny, deny any interest in her co-worker. And maybe, if she kept repeating the lie enough times, she'd even convince herself it was true. 

  
  


*

  
  


“I mean,” Rey'd huffed, waving her hands in the air in front of her face as she poured her soul out to her bestie, “my reaction can  _ not _ be normal!”

 

Sitting on the barstool beside her at The Falcon, Rose had finished the last of her wine and exhaled slowly. “Probably not,” she'd agreed with a shrug. “But stranger things have been known to happen, you know.”

 

“Bullshit,” Rey had snapped, slamming her empty gin and tonic tumbler onto the slick wood of the bar. Lowering her voice, she'd added, “What could possibly be more strange than wanting to drop my pants for some dude I’ve never even met and know nothing about?!”

“Haven’t you ever heard of all those people who fell for each other back in the day just from writing each other love letters?”

Rey had responded by shoving her phone in front of Rose’s face. “These are  _ not _ love letters!”

Rose had simply smiled and shook her head. “Of course they are, silly. Erotica can be just as romantic as, say… poetry.” Her eyes had lost focus as Rose tilted her head in consideration. “It’s kind of like visual poetry in a way. Rose reached her hand out and placed her palm on top of Rey’s. “Look, I’m just saying, if it makes you happy, don’t fight it.” Rey had squirmed and started to pull her hand away, but Rose’s fingers gripped tighter and held her steady. “I mean it, Rey. Embrace what you love. And if what you’re loving right now is a hot dude who texts you porn, then I’m all for it -- you win.”

Rey had chuckled. Only Rose could deliver a serious sex-related sermon. “I win?”

“Hell yes, _you win_.” Rose had grinned as she lifted her hand to get the bartender’s attention. “Barkeep, we’re gonna need another round over here!”  

  
  


*

 

By the time got home from the bar, it was well after nine. As she stripped out of her work clothes, she realized with all of the excitement and surprises of the day that she never messaged Kylo back. 

“Shit,” she mumbled as the pearl button on the neck of her sweater caught her hair as she whipped it up and over her head. Guilt-ridden, slightly intoxicated, and still horny as hell, Rey tore of her bra and tossed on an oversized sweatshirt before bypassing the couch and jumping straight onto her bed. 

She grabbed her phone -- fully charged courtesy of the bar, thank you -- and opened up Millennium Match. A pang of disappointment whisked through her belly when she saw no additional messages from Kylo since the ones that had nearly turned her into a mere puddle of goo before lunch. It was a miracle she’d made it to the lobby to meet Ben, and an absolute revelation that she’d made it through their quick shared meal of soup and sandwiches at the corner deli without jumping his bones. Rey wouldn’t have been able to say if it was due to Ben’s own mysterious appeal or just her wicked desire for Kylo after he'd sent those  _ stimulating _ messages, but the need was real, and her thirst remained utterly unclenched.

The app opened and she quickly typed a greeting to Kylo, praying the little dot by his name would turn green indicating he was online.

 

>>Hi so sorry crazy day

 

Rose’s pep-talk had given her the courage to go for it (and the three G & T’s she’d downed hadn’t hurt, either), and Rey was on a mission. 

A sin mission.

Before she could talk herself out of what she wanted to do -- and Rose had said she shouldn’t be ashamed to go for what she wanted, after all -- a reply appeared on Rey’s screen.

 

>>There you are, pretty girl

 

Rey exhaled deeply, the anxiety of the day ebbing as her lungs emptied. Another message from Kylo followed.

 

>>I was worried I scared you away

 

_ This is what she wanted. She could do this.  _

She gave him a single word in reply.

 

>>Never

 

The chat window remained still for a minute, and Rey wondered if maybe it was her turn to fret over having said the wrong thing or having scared him away with her forwardness. 

 

>>Don’t make promises you can’t keep

 

Her front teeth bit down into the pillow of her bottom lip as her pulse accelerated. The moment of truth had arrived. With a deep breath, Rey murmured, “Here we go,” beneath her breath and started to type.

 

>>I’m pretty sure that I’m so turned on right now 

>>there’s not much you could tell me that would chase me away

>>last night you said you would show me how good you were…

 

Rey grimaced down at the phone as soon as she hit send, feeling a little uncomfortable with the promiscuous directive she’d just given. But, damn, if it worked… if Kylo followed her train of thought and wanted this with her… it could be so good. He was _good_ , she knew it. And she knew he could make her feel it, even across their two corners of space and time in this city.

His reply pinged on her phone. Rey’s jaw slid open as she read it.

 

>>I want my hands on you, my mouth on you

 

_Oh..._

 

>>Where would you touch me?

 

The messaging app remained silent again and Rey was certain she’d mucked it up now. He obviously was a flirt, but maybe this wasn’t exactly what he’d been looking for. Maybe he wanted to find a nice girl on the dating app, not some crazy, touch-starved, almost-drunk woman who was clearly initiating phone sex.

 

>>Are we really doing this?

 

Rey whimpered, rolling her eyes at herself. Her fingers shook a little as she typed her reply and muttered, “God help me, but hell yes.”

 

>>YES

 

Kylo’s reply was instant, as if he’d had his thoughts queued and ready to go.

 

>>i’d touch your hand

>>lace my fingers with yours

>>feel the pulse at your wrist as it pounds against my fingertips

>>and i’d know you’d want me as much as i want you

 

_ Holy fucking shit. _

 

Rey’s fingers couldn’t type a response quickly enough.

 

>>i do want you

 

>>good

>>i’d slide my hands up your arms

>>along your shoulders

>>ghosting your collarbone

>>i’d swipe my tongue up your neck, tasting the salt and sweet of your skin

 

Heart pounding, Rey felt her pulse throb between her legs, felt herself clench as she read his litany of messages. Her mouth went dry and she licked her lips, her fingers flying over her screen in response.

 

>>and i wouldn’t be able to resist pressing my lips to yours

>>swiping my tongue inside to taste you

 

The three little dots appeared immediately, and a moment later a string of messages pinged one after another.

 

>>your cotton candy lips would be so soft

>>the minute i felt them i’d imagine them

>>on the rest of me 

>>everywhere

 

Rey jumped in with her own fantasy move, desperate to show him the images in her own mind.

 

>>i’d kiss my way down your bare chest

 

But Kylo seemed to have other ideas as his messages popped through one after another.

 

>>i’d thread my fingers through your hair

>>guide your mouth back to mine

>>not done with those lips, baby

 

_ Baby. _

 

Oh, damn. Rey didn’t think this situation could be hotter, but it just went from sultry to blazing. 

He wasn’t there -- in fact she didn’t have a goddamn clue _where_ he was -- but she _felt_ him. She felt the gentle tug on her scalp, where he’d pull her hair to direct her attention. She felt his big, warm hands cupping her cheek, bringing her mouth back to his. Rey’s brain couldn’t concentrate enough to dwell on the bond that stretched between them, even though they remained virtual strangers, because his messages kept rolling in, one after the other.

 

>>i’d make sure your chest was bare to me

>>and my hands would cup your perfect tits

 

Rey’s own hand slid up beneath the hem of her sweatshirt, her fingertips ghosting along her stomach until they grazed the bottom of her right breast. With her right hand, she typed a reply, soaring high on his attentions and feeling loose-lipped.

 

>>you’d think they’re too small

 

Again, his reply was instantaneous.

 

>>never 

>>you’re perfect

 

_ Perfect.  _

 

Groaning with her rising desire, Rey circled her nipple, felt it constrict and peak in a way that left her body covered in gooseflesh. 

 

>>i’d slide my hands down your body until I could cup the heat of you

 

“Oh my God,” Rey stammered aloud, her breath hitching.

 

>>are you touching yourself, Rey?

 

>>YES

 

>>good

>>i’d find you slick and wanting

>>so warm and wet as my fingers slide inside

 

“Oh my God,” Rey repeated, this time her voice little more than a whimper. Every action he wrote sent her soaring higher. She was ascending in a flash, her heartbeat untamed and savage against the cage of her ribs. 

Kylo’s narrative prompted her actions, their minds connected and his words playing out in her mind and in her body like a shared vision.

 

>>do i feel good?

 

The softness of his question caused Rey’s thudding heart to falter, sent her heavy breathing off rhythm. _Only the truth_ … that’s what Kylo had said the night before. Rey knew she would give him nothing less than her whole self, her whole truth.

 

>>so good

>>need more

 

Kylo didn't hold back.

 

>>i’d make sure you were ready for me

>>then rub the head of my cock along your slit

 

Rey moaned as her hands slid down her stomach, past her belly button. 

 

>>then i’d press inside

>>and slide home

 

_ Holy shit. _

Her fingers slid lower, following every last tantalizing detail of Kylo’s seduction.

 

>>you’d be so hot and tight

>>i’d barely be able to stand it

>>but you’d take all of me so good

>>you’d fit me like a glove

 

_ Holy shit. _

 

>>you’d be so pretty with my cock buried in you

 

Rey’s fingers circled her bud in a frantic pace, her hand sliding lower to gather the slick dripping from her center.

 

Somehow, her right sent a message, but three letters on repeat were all she could manage

 

>>omgomg

 

But Rey couldn’t possibly be bothered with communicating anything else because she was skyrocketing, hurtling through the atmosphere at lightspeed, on the edge of the universe with nothing but an entire galaxy of stars bathing her in their light. 

When she opened her eyes, Rey stared at her bedroom ceiling, her breath coming in ragged pants. She didn’t know how long she lay there, chest heaving, when her phone pinged.

 

>>did you just come for me

 

Rey blinked, staring at her phone screen. She licked her lips and forced herself to take a deep breath, then typed her reply.

 

>>yes

>>...did you?

 

Kylo's replies come gushing in quick succession again.

 

>>fuck yes

>>just painted my stomach

>>like a goddamn teenager

 

Maybe it was post-orgasmic bliss making her loopy, but Rey couldn’t contain the snort of amusement that escaped her.

 

>>i can’t believe we just did that

 

>>was amazing

>>now go to sleep, pretty girl

 

Disappointed flooded her. She was about to ask why they needed to end their chat when she glanced over and saw the time. It was already after eleven; they’d been at it much longer than she realized. With a yawn, she reluctantly agreed. 

 

>>ok

>>this was… amazing?

>>thank you, Kylo

 

It was already getting late, and with her body sated, it was easy for Rey to follow Kylo’s gentle command. She got herself ready for bed and did as she was told. A few minutes later, she typed Kylo a goodnight, then curled up beneath her sheets. Her phone vibrated with one last message.

 

>>i’ll be here when you wake up, baby

>>you won’t be alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *smoke 'em if you got 'em* 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you're enjoying. Drop me a line and let me know what you think? xo


	6. Rollercoaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I'm running and I can't stop anywhere I go  
> I think about it everyday and night I can't let go  
> Man, I'm never the same  
> We were shotgun lovers, I'm a shotgun running away  
> So come a little closer  
> There was something I can tell ya  
> It was such a rollercoaster  
> And a killer queen you are
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Rollercoaster'

Ben stopped at Lux, the one and only acceptable coffee shop, on the way into work. It was Friday, he would get to spend the day with Rey, and Kylo would get to spend the evening with her. He was giddy as a fucking schoolboy.

He’d sent Rey a message first-thing upon waking, as promised, and had already gotten a good morning back from her along with a sleepy-faced selfie, presumably from her bed. Rey’s hair had fanned around her head atop her pale pink sheets, an angel with a chestnut halo. Last night’s activities did nothing to stave off his morning wood, and the minute Ben laid his eyes on the intimate picture Rey sent, he’d had no choice but to jump into a tepid shower and take care of business.

There was no way he’d make it through work otherwise and, frankly, it was questionable if he would even after jerking off in the show.

As he left the coffee shop with a to-go cup in each hand, a shiver of anxiety rippling through him. Ben knew, somewhere shoved down deep, that he was engaging in the most dangerous of games. He was going to hell for what he was doing, and with each day that passed without revealing the truth, Ben’s chances of righting the situation with Rey slipped through his grasp.

Ben was losing control. And that made him scared. And that fear led to him to hating himself for what he was doing just a little bit. And the hate left him wanting to sabotage this entire thing -- wanting to give up on any hope of happiness -- the hope of ever convincing Rey to see him not as a colleague but the man he was and could be he. If he dwelled on the sensations too long, Ben was tempted to give up and simply bury himself in his own dark insecurities.

Jesus, he was a goddamn rollercoaster of emotions.

 _Get it together, Solo_ , he chided himself as he stepped off the elevator into the office lobby, his hands warm from carrying the cups even though the temperature had dropped significantly overnight and the skies now threatened snow.

He tugged off his gray beanie and tossed it onto the floor of his cubicle, glancing next door, relieved to see he’d beaten Rey to the office. After sliding off his messenger bag, Ben strode into her cube and left the latte on her desk, right in front of her keyboard. He borrowed one of her permanent markers and started to write on her cup -- not her name like the big chains did, but something else.

Ben smiled at his handiwork and escaped back to his side of the cube wall, clearing her work area just about two minutes before he heard the elevator ding. Seconds later, the distinct smell of sweet jasmine and… Jesus, he didn’t know what it was... followed. As usual, he could scent Rey from across a room; she smelled like sunshine, light, and just sheer fucking happiness.

“Morning, Ben,” Rey chirped as she walked by the entrance of his cube to get to her own. Carefully facing forward to keep his expression from her, Ben felt his smile tug into a full grin when she must have noticed what awaited her at her desk. “Oh, what’s this?” he heard her ask aloud to no one in particular.

And then, an amused cackle. He could tell by its tenor that the laugh came from deep in her belly, and it made Ben solemnly swear he would spend the rest of his life giving her reasons to make that sound every damn day if she’d let him.

A moment later, Rey’s head peaked above the top of their shared cubicle wall, obviously standing on her tiptoes as she raised a brow at him in question. “I suppose it’s you I should be thanking for this,” Rey paused and dramatically looked at the words labeled in careful print on the coffee cup she held raised above her head, “‘ _not swill_.’”

Ben schooled his expression and glanced at her, catching the mirth in her eyes. He gave a barely perceptible dip of his chin in acknowledgment. “Perhaps.”

“Oh, Solo, you’re a terrible liar,” Rey chuckled.

He clamped his jaw and his nostrils gave the tiniest twitch as warning bells started ringing in brain again.  _Here’s your chance,_ they clamored, _abort-abort-abort!_

Ben felt heat creep up the back of his neck along his hairline, his pulse hammering in his throat at what he knew he needed to do. He opened his mouth to speak, his brows furrowing in contrition, when suddenly Rey’s face disappeared from above the cube wall.

“I gotta hit the lab to get the printer warmed up. See you!” He heard her call cheerfully from somewhere on her side of the partition.

His window of opportunity passed like a speeding bullet.

Ben exhaled deeply, simultaneously disappointed in himself and thoroughly relieved that he hadn’t had to give up the ruse just yet. Knowing Rey was out of her cube and busy in the lab, he took the opportunity to snatch his phone and send her a message on the app, something that would keep her thinking about him throughout the day and hopefully set the tone for what he hoped would be another thrilling evening of... well, Ben didn’t know what the hell to call it.

Did it still count as sexting? What he and Rey shared felt a lot deeper than that. To Ben, their virtual… exploration... felt a lot like baring more than skin or fantasy. It felt like walking in a dream and losing his footing, only to find he was falling deeper into a rabbit hole -- a wonderland of possibility -- a dream he didn’t want to ever wake from.

 _Falling_ , Ben thought to himself.

It seemed to him he’d done the falling for Rey months ago. But before, he’d fallen alone with no voice to ask for her hand. Now, because of this thing with Kylo, Ben was falling all over again. But this time around his strong arms didn’t hesitate to reach for hers, and together with Rey as his beacon and his backbone, Ben felt like he just might be able to bring his imaginary wonderland to life.

He opened his phone and selected an image he’d saved the night before along with a few other favorites he’d instantly known he’d wanted to share with Rey. He attached a picture, this one another black and white, a zoomed in photo of a man’s hand grabbing a fistful of a woman’s tank top, his knuckles brushing the outside of one of her breasts. The woman’s hand wrapped around his wrist as if to hold him near.

No faces, no identity, just pure desire. Sheer possession.

But beyond that, it was the way the woman’s hand gripped the man’s wrist… the mutual need in the image so obvious and thick Ben could taste it on the back of his tongue. The man’s body language said _you’re mine_ and the woman’s answer in turn screamed _never let me go_. If that wasn’t a fucking flawless projection of everything he desperately wanted with Rey, nothing was.

Quickly, Ben shoved his phone back into his messenger bag -- he couldn’t risk any alerts popping up on his screen, especially if Rey happened to be around. Then he opened up his work email and got the rest of his day started, but it took every fiber of his being to hold off from checking his phone until right before lunchtime.

When he finally did, hiding in plain sight as best as he could by hunching his hulking frame over his phone and letting his shaggy hair fall around his face in a curtain, he prayed Rey wouldn’t be back to her cube for a few more minutes.

When he unlocked his screen, he broke into a grin. She’d replied.

>>My friend says erotic pictures are like modern love letters

_Love letters._

Ben huffed a breath through his nose at the word, his pulse spiking. Rey couldn’t really mean _love_ , could she? She likely meant the word in its broadest sense -- the images serving as a way to convey attraction, desire, maybe affection. But love?

Sure as shit Ben knew how he felt about Rey, and he definitely knew how Kylo was feeling about Rey… but did that mean Rey was beginning to feel some of those same, deeper stirrings, too? And if she was, who exactly were those feelings for?

>>Your friend is right

Ben hoped his simple acknowledgment wouldn’t scare Rey away, or leave her feeling alone in her thoughts. Because her friend _was_ right: despite their sexual content, each image he’d shared was a depiction of his heart and soul, of his deepest desires, of his pure and aching want.

Again, Ben shoved his phone away and took a deep breath, willing his body to behave. It was almost time for him to grab some lunch, then he had just a couple meetings left before he could finish up some design work and hit the gym. If tonight would be anything like the last, he needed to release some tension big time before getting home.

It was a couple hours after he ate a quick lunch -- just a hot dog from the street vendor today, since Rey’d still been busy working -- when Ben’s office line rang, the caller ID reading ‘Mech Lab.’

“Ben Solo,” he stated as he brought the receiver to his ear.

“Hey, it’s me.” Rey’s voice sent a little shiver down his spine. Ben wasn’t sure if they’d ever actually spoken on the phone before. They usually talked only in person, or sent infrequent text messages mostly about work schedules or what they wanted to eat for lunch. He wanted to record her voice, to press the phone against his ear, to somehow keep the melody of it close for when he’d be left to only typed words later…

Clearing his throat, Ben focused on the phone call, hoping Rey would blame his overt distraction on his usual aloof detachment and nothing else. “What’s up?”

“Come down here. I think I have a mold ready for you to look at.”

Ben agreed and headed down to the lab. When he walked in, Rey was hunched over one of their firm’s less expensive 3D printers, the denim covered apple of her ass on full display. Jeans Fridays never looked so good.

The door closed with a swoosh behind him and Rey glanced over her shoulder, her eyes bright with excitement. “Did you bring it?” she asked.

“Right here,” Ben answered, holding up a circuit board that needed to fit in the redesigned chassis and giving a little wave with it.

“Okay,” Rey announced, standing back to make room for Ben next to her at the lab table, rubbing her palms together in anticipation, “moment of truth.”

Ben’s lips twitched in the tiniest of smiles. She was so damn cute. He couldn’t think of another engineer in their entire company who got as much joy and excitement over their work. Rey was one of a kind, especially in the engineering world filled with a disproportionate amount of socially awkward techies. Like him.

When he slid the board inside the chassis, he was met with no resistance. Ben flipped the locking mechanism closed and felt the board snap into place. Beside him, Rey hissed out a celebratory ‘yessss!’ as Ben marveled at the precision of her work.

“It fits like a glove,” he praised.

Rey sucked in a breath, an audible gasp filling the space between them. Ben felt the shift in the room as he sensed her body tense where she stood beside him. His eyes flicked to his right, and he watched as her neck and cheeks flooded with color. Only then did Ben realize the words that just came out of his mouth.

_Shit. Shit, fuck!_

This was it. The game was over. She’d know -- she’d _have_ to know, now that his big mouth just uttered the same words he’d used the night in the middle of getting her off during their chat.

_You’d fit me like a glove..._

Ben’s own face felt flushed. How could he be so stupid? He opened his mouth, the truth ready to spill from his tongue like water through a burst pipe when Rey pasted a smile on her face and gave him a chipper “Thanks!”

He swallowed thickly, his esophagus constricting around what felt like a tennis ball in his throat. Ben couldn’t speak at all, he just stood there, starting to unlatch the plastic mold and retrieving the circuit board within.

“Well, I’ll work on a metal alloy version next. I should have it done early next week,” Rey stated, her voice returned to normal as she jotted in her notebook.

Ben nodded, swallowing once more and willing his voice to sound normal. “Sounds good. Thanks,” he added before giving her an awkward wave and turning to exit the lab.

As he opened the door to the hallway, Ben stopped and looked over his shoulder.

“Rey?” He waited for her to look up from her notes and meet his gaze. He gave her a rare, soft smile. “Good job.”

 

  
*

 

When Ben got home from his daily routine at the gym, he followed the same formula as the evening prior: he put his phone on the charger, took a long shower, made himself drink a giant glass of water along with a scarfed-down sandwich. Then he sat down on his bed to wait. But tonight, he didn’t have to wait long.

As he checked the app for messages, he tamped down a surge of butterflies as soon as he saw he already had one from Rey waiting for him. He took one last swig of his water as he thumbed open the notification and doing both at the same time was a stupid choice. A deathwish. Literally. Because Ben was choking on his water, having sucked in a surprised gulp of air at the same time he meant to swallow, shocked by the image on his screen.

Rey had sent another selfie. But unlike the sweet one she’d shared in the early morning, this one lit his desire like a fucking Christmas tree.

It was zoomed in just to show her chest, nude but completely covered by the strategic placement of her arm across her breasts -- just the hint of their soft globes peaking above and below the band of her arm, as if the photo had been taken from above while she lay down.

She captioned the photo with _Can I have more pictures of you?_

“Fuuuuuck.”

The single word escaped him like a prayer, and a benediction it was. Ben would kneel at her feet for the rest of his life, worship her body and soul if given the chance.

>>Hey pretty girl  
>>That’s some pic you sent

 

Rey’s reply was spontaneous.

>>It’s entirely unfair I haven’t seen your face

 

>>What if I’m ugly?

Time idled for a moment as Ben waited for a response to his question. In that span of sluggish seconds, Ben’s brain immediately started bundling together a heap of potential statements to correct the horrible trajectory he’d just put their conversation on. He did _not_ want to discuss his appearance -- besides the fact Rey might start to make a mental picture of Kylo that looked similarly to himself, his face, full of strange angles and distinct features, was the one topic guaranteed to put Ben in a foul mood.

_But not your body._

The thought came out of nowhere, sending a jolt of confidence deep into his belly. He furrowed his brow, surprised at the realization that, yes, he was proud of the hard work he put into his physique, and knew that he would likely be considered attractive at least from the neck down. 

Rey’s reply finally pinged his phone.

>>You could never be ugly  
>>Not to me

 

“Damn,” Ben sighed, in awe of everything about this woman.

With two sentences, she’d just made him feel like a king in a castle, awash with confidence and warm pride. He bit his lip, pondering how he could give Rey what she asked for without jeopardizing his identity. He wanted to give her something in return, and if she asked for more pictures of him?  Well, he’d find a way. Ben needed just a couple more days to make sure Rey knew what he was made of, and then he’d confess and she could look to her heart’s content. In the meantime, he could work with it...

The perfect idea smacked him upside the head.

>>I’ll send you another photo soon, pretty girl

 

>>I’d like that, Kylo  
>>I have something for you when you do

 

Ben’s brows lifted. “Do you now?” he murmured as he tapped his screen, eagerness speeding his pulse.

>>Then hold tight

  
  
Ben stripped off the shirt he’d put on after his shower and headed back into his bathroom. He needed to be strategic about how he cropped it, but he was pretty sure he could manipulate a picture of his bare torso in the mirror without giving away anything too revealing of his identity.

After a quick snap and a couple edits, a picture of Kylo’s broad chest filled the screen of his phone, and Ben sent it off through the app, his drumbeat heart thumping away. He hoped she liked what she saw because it certainly wasn’t something that Ben would ever have had the chance to display... A broad nearly hairless chest and firm, curved pecs -- a result of both genetics and hard work. Massive shoulders anchoring smooth, sculpted biceps, a thick trunk of a torso leading to a definitive “v” above his waistline -- all courtesy of hours in the gym.

 

>>Are you kidding me??

  
Ben huffed a laugh through his nose at her message.

  
>>No  
>>Should I be?

 

  
>>That’s just… you’re huge  
>>Wow

  
He couldn’t help but smirk over her word choice. Ben turned it back over to Rey.

  
>>Now I guess it’s your turn to wow me again

 

  
He watched the little dots appearing on his screen, wondering if Rey would dare to send another photo of herself tonight. Ben wasn’t prepared for what she sent instead.

  
>>So remember we talked about pictures being like love letters

 

There was that word again. Love. Ben sucked in a breath and replied.

>>Yes

 

  
>>I was thinking about that and I wrote something for you  
>>A real letter

 

And then she attached another photograph, but it wasn’t of herself. It was of a note in her own writing, on a blank notebook page like the one he’d seen her use at work on multiple occasions. In fact, she’d had the notebook with her in the lab earlier that very day.

_Dear Kylo,_

_This may seem strange to you, being so old-fashioned. But there’s so much_  
_I’m feeling and I needed to use my words to get my jumbled thoughts together._  
_I’m a technical person. I like the certainty of math and measurements,_  
_equations and theorems. I’m not used to letting my emotions control me,_  
_or frankly, feeling so out of control. With you these last few days, a part_  
_of me I never cared to know has begun to grow stronger -- there’s a strange_  
_desire in me, but it doesn’t scare me anymore._

_It’s come alive. Because of you._

_You’ve been the teacher I never knew I needed. You’ve shown me that my place_  
_as a vibrant, sensual woman doesn’t have to be the same place I hold in my_  
_career… that I don’t have to be in control all the time… that I can give my_  
_trust and be rewarded with passion and kindness and fulfillment._

_I know we’ve only just “met” but I feel changed. I feel this powerful bond_  
_between us, and I just know there’s a reason we’ve found each other._

_I want to meet you for real._

_To see your face. Touch your skin. Hold your h_ _and_ _and say thank you._

_Thank you for what you have taught me about myself in_  
_these brief hours._

_Yours,_  
_Rey_

 

Ben finished her missive, his eyes burning hot, his jaw clenched tight as his own emotions warred within him. How could he feel so elated and culpable at the same time? How could her words simultaneously be the gift he never thought he’d receive and a dreaded reminder of the wicked punishment he knew he deserved?

When Rey learned the truth… none of her words would hold true. Ben knew it, sure as the stars in the sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're halfway through the 12 days of Christmas everyone, and things are shakin'. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! xo


	7. Who I Want You to Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will love what you want me to love  
> Oh, I will bleed when you want me to bleed  
> But I don't want to know too much of anything  
> Because it all hurts me
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Who I Want You to Love'

 

>>Kylo??

 

“Shit!” Ben hissed, realizing he’d been lost in pensiveness and he’d not given Rey any indication of how deeply her penned words had moved him.

 

>>I’m here

>>Don’t have words

>>Pretty girl…

>>You wreck me

  
  


>>Not too much?

  
  


Ben shook his head at her question, marveling at how Rey could even think such a thing. He needed her to know what she meant to him. Ben needed it, and so did Kylo. Because right now, the lines between the real man and the created one were blurred. Suddenly, he recalled how much Rey had liked the poetry line he’d sent the day before. He quickly typed a reply and dropped his phone on his bed as he jogged into his living room to find the book he was looking for. 

 

>>I could never get enough of you

 

A moment later, a book of Naruda’s poems in hand, he started to type out one of his favorite passages.

  
  


_ Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.  _

_ Far away the sea sounds and resounds.  _

_ This is a port.  _

 

_ Here I love you.  _

_ Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.  _

_ I love you still among these cold things.  _

_ Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels  _

_ that cross the sea towards no arrival.  _

_ I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.  _

 

_ The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.  _

_ My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.  _

_ I love what I do not have. You are so far.  _

_ My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.  _

_ But night comes and starts to sing to me.  _

 

_ The moon turns its clockwork dream.  _

_ The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.  _

_ And as I love you, the pines in the wind  _

_ want to sing your name with their leaves of wire. _

  
  


Ben finished the last line and waited. A full minute passed, his heart jack-hammering his ribs, his pulse spiking, a sheen of sweat on his brow. 

 

>>I think I’m gonna cry…

  
  


>>No tears, pretty girl

>>But I know

>>Naruda gets to me, too

  
  


>>It’s perfect

>>You’re perfect

>>Can I do something?

  
  


Ben’s chest expanded exponentially with his breath. His ribcage, still bare from when he took the picture, had no option but to spread its breadth to accommodate his ballooning heart. His cheeks twitched in a pleadingly soft smile. 

 

>>Anything

  
  


>>Take off your pants, Kylo

  
  


_ Wait. What? _

  
  


Ben blinked down at the phone in his right hand, his eyes widening in surprise. Another ten seconds passed and he just stared, his mind trying to keep his racing thoughts under control. Could she mean to… ?

 

>>Are they off?

 

“Shit!” He hissed again, dropping his phone on the mattress and scrambling to strip out of his flannels and boxers in one swipe. He flopped back down on his bed, eager and panting, as he retrieved his phone.

 

>>Yes they’re off

  
  


>>I wish I was there

>>So I could take you in my hand

>>Feel the soft velvet skin of your cock

  
  


“Jeee-zus,” he breathed, his voice quivering as much as his left hand was as it tentatively stroked along his semi-hard length.

 

>>I’d look up from where I knelt

>>And watch you get hard for me

>>Your eyes locked on mine

  
  


Ben closed his eyes, picturing Rey on her knees, the muscles in his abdomen clenching. He forced his eyes open and managed a one word reply.

 

>>Yeah

  
  


>>My tongue would find your thick head

>>And I’d lick the precum from your tip

  
  


“Sweet  _ Christ _ ,” Ben hissed. 

 

>>And then I’d take you in my mouth

>>Every inch

>>Feel you at the back of my throat

 

His eyes closed, Ben's palm worked his solid length, changing his grip to tug, his blood running feverishly beneath his skin as he climbed wickedly fast, oxygen sapped from his lungs.

  
  


>>Make yourself come, Kylo

>>Let me swallow you whole and suck you dry

  
  


“Holy fuck!” Ben wailed, his hand now working a frenetic pace, his hips thrusting into his grip, his pulse clobbering his arteries with an unrestrained fury. “I’m gonna come,” he chanted to no one, his balls tensing and his cock swelling as he felt the last semblance of control start to slip.

He couldn’t manage a real word on his phone so he just tapped whatever nonsense he could before the wave took him, a violent arc cresting higher and higher, until the white ropes of his release painted his bare chest in rhythmic spurts like whitewater crashing on the shore.

When the blackness faded into a pinpoint and Ben’s eyesight returned, he reached for his cell phone, gasping for air, his head lolling from side to side on his pillow in a post-orgasmic stupor. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,” he panted, sucking in air with every repetition.

On his screen, he saw his last attempt at a message to Rey:  >>Fjkgkik

And her reply, simply an ellipses and a question mark.

  
  


>>i’ve never come so hard in my entire fucking life

  
  


Her answer took a moment to appear, the three little dots traveling in waves as she presumably replied.

 

>>So it was okay?

  
  


>>more than okay

>>i think i’m dead

 

Ben barely had an ounce of energy left, but he wouldn’t leave without satisfying Rey in return.

 

>>i wish i could kiss you, Rey

  
  


>>Why can’t you?

>>Let’s meet IRL

 

Ben’s heartbeat skipped. The warning lights in his brain flashed bright yellow:  _ Danger! _

 

>>soon, pretty girl

>>let me take care of you now

  
  


>>No, it’s okay

>>That was my gift to you

>>Part of my ‘love letter’

 

Ben bit his lip and tilted his chin to stare down at the spend splashed across his skin. The guilt threatening to swallow him whole, but the joy he felt in knowing he was finally getting through to Rey -- finally showing her the man he was inside grumpy facade his insecurity projected... the man he _could_ be -- buoyed him. But the guilt sat upon his shoulder, not letting him fully enjoy this revelation, because the reckoning would come. Sooner or later. 

Ben sighed, temporarily stuck in this purgatory.

  
But Rey deserved to know she was his angel, maybe his one saving grace, and he'd be damned if he failed her after what she'd just offered him.  

 

>>i think it’s the best gift i’ve ever gotten

>>both your words and… this

 

_You_ , Ben thought to himself, _just you._

 

  
  


>>Good.

>>Now goodnight, Kylo

Rey followed her words with a heart emoji, and then as quickly as the icon appeared on his screen, the green indicator next to her name vanished as she went offline. 

  
  


*

  
  


Saturday morning broke in a sheet of blinding white. Rey slipped from her warm sheets and padded over to her bedroom window, taking in the wonderland on the other side of the glass. The snow that had threatened the day before started in earnest after she’d gotten home from work and Rey was thankful she didn’t have to deal with her commute -- albeit a short one -- in the wet mess three floors below. 

She yawned and stretched, and as she did her mind immediately wandered to the night before… she’d purposely ended her chat with Kylo quickly, knowing if she lingered on the app they’d get right back into something physical. And though Rey wanted it -- and badly, by the empty ache still lingering like a shadow deep in her abdomen -- she wanted something else more.

Something more than a physical release… something she’d gotten hints of every single time they’d connected online. She wanted something real, and Rey was beginning to think what she had with him _could_  be it...

Rey wanted  _ Kylo  _ to be real. Flesh and blood; skin and bone; body and soul.

She sighed and sank back onto her bed, sliding her back against the headboard and tucking up her knees. She took her phone from the nightstand and heart tapping a staccato beat, opened up Millennium Match.

Delight flooded her veins, warm and syrupy, as she saw a message waiting for her from just an hour earlier. Kylo must have sent it as soon as he woke.

 

>>Good morning, pretty girl

>>Starting my day with a shower

>>And wishing for this

 

His words were capped off with yet another black and white image, this one simply of a man and a woman sharing a soft embrace, their faces mostly obscured as they tucked tenderly into the crooks of each other’s necks, standing beneath the spray of a shower head. The photo was laziness and longing, comfort and compassion, desire and dedication. 

It was everything Rey could ever have hoped for. 

Her lips curved into a gentle smile, her pulse pounding thickly beneath her hot skin, her breath shallow.

Rey did an image search of her own, flipping through one black and white photo after another until she found exactly what she was looking for. The picture was of a woman, obviously nude but artfully left with the focus on the foreground near her feet rather than the rest of her body left mostly in shadow, reclining on a bed, her body language a clear invitation.

 

>>Still in bed

>>Wish you were here

 

She sent her message and the artsy photo with a mostly content sigh. 

There was just… this angsty, unsettled part of her that niggled at her brain, making her feel anxious and uncertain. Rey replayed the events of the last few days, trying to figure out the roiling in her belly and the clawing at the back of her mind that didn’t seem to want to let her enjoy whatever was happening between she and Kylo in peace.

Her fingers tapped Rose’s name, asking if her friend was game to grab breakfast. Rey needed to talk her feelings through, and there was no one better than Rose for hearing her out and then telling it like it was. Rose, though kind as the day was long, didn’t mince her words. Rey knew her best friend’s brand of honesty was exactly what the doctor ordered.

An hour later, the two women sat at their favorite neighborhood diner, deep mugs of coffee steaming on the formica table between them.

“So you gave your online boy-toy a virtual beej,” Rose said with a grin. “Nice!” she cheered, holding up her right palm for a high five.

Rey rolled her eyes and lifted her hand slowly, doing her best to subdue the grin tugging at her lips. Heat flared along her chest and cheeks as she darted her eyes at the diners surrounding them, hissing a half-hearted “Shhh!”

Rose chuckled, the sound a low, amused rumble. “Well, it sounds to me like you’re having a great time with this dude. You’re getting each other’s rocks off, he quotes poetry and calls you pretty… honestly, he sounds too good to be true.” Rose quirked an accusatory brow, then shrugged. “But other than the fact that he’s maybe, possibly, a tiny bit too perfect, what’s the problem here? It’s not like you’re marrying the guy.”

The words hit Rey like a freight train. It took her a moment to realize she’d stopped breathing, her breath locked tight in her lungs, her pulse pounding, rocking her in her stillness.

Rose’s eyes went wide, several emotions flashing through them in quick succession: surprise, disbelief, concern, and finally, sympathy. Her friend slid her back against the vinyl booth, rolling her shoulders back, her smile soft and empathetic.

“And _there’s_ the problem,” she stated, her voice kind, full of a patient resolve Rey could never repay her for.

Sucking in a deep lungful of air, Rey blinked back the tears burning her eyes but lost the fight as she felt one fat droplet slip from her lid and down her right cheek. She gave her friend a petrified nod.

“Rey, honey,” Rose began, then stopped, shaking her head as she continued, “are you sure you’re not just… lonely?”

Rey nodded, biting her cheeks to keep a sob from escaping. Not here, not in the diner.

_ Keep it together, Jackson. _

She sniffed and wiped at her cheek before clearing her throat. When she answered her friend’s question, her voice was thick with emotion. “I’ve _always_ been lonely,” she admitted. “But this is… different.” Rose slid her hands around her coffee mug and waited in silence for Rey to go on. “I think I have real feelings for him. Like, I can’t stop thinking about him.”

Rey squeezed her balled-up paper napkin in her palm, schooling her voice as she confessed the most damning of her dishonorable thoughts. “And the worst part about all of it is, when I close my eyes and picture Kylo and I… together, doing _things_ …” Rey paused, swallowing the walnut of guilt weighing on her throat, “it’s Ben’s face I see,” she admitted in a shaky whisper. “It’s Ben’s voice I hear when I read his words.”

Rose leaned forward, her shoulders hunched, her dark brows knitting together. “Oh, sweetie,” she sighed. “You have to tell him.”

A fresh wave of tears surged, Rey’s throat getting tighter yet again with the pressure of her own guilt and confusion. “Tell  _ who _ ?” she gasped in a quiet sob.

“Both of them.”

  
  


*

  
  


Pelting snow badgered Rey the whole walk home from the diner -- heavy, wet flakes stuck to her lashes and cheeks, and soaked through her pink wool hat by the time she’d walked only the first of the three-block distance. It was the Saturday before Christmas, but the storm seemed to mute the normal hustle and bustle of the streets, forcing people to slow their pace, hunker down… maybe enjoy more of the what the holiday season was truly all about.

 

Rey wasn’t feeling she was doing a very good job of living in the holiday spirit of giving, gratitude, or grace lately. In fact, she felt downright selfish; needy for having had to pour her heart and soul out to Rose not once but twice just this week! She felt downright resentful of the fact that she would be spending the holiday alone… again. Rose had invited her to the Tico family festivities, but Rey just wasn’t feeling chipper enough to deal with her giant and boisterous crew this year. 

And living with grace? Ha. That was a joke.

Rey’d once read that living with grace meant embracing a conscious awareness of our feelings of being safe, protected, loved and blessed to be alive. 

Ben, despite his surly nature, somehow always made Rey feel safe and protected. On the other hand, Kylo had made her feel loved, and with the way her body reacted to his words and imagery, for once in her life, Rey felt blessed and truly _alive_.  

But now she was a jumble of conflicting emotions, yearning for Ben, for something she suspected would always be out of reach… and frightened to move forward with Kylo, afraid of making him real, afraid of the possibility that he wasn’t at all the man she believed him to be.

She trudged up the three flights of stairs to her apartment and locked the door behind her, stripping out of her sopping wet layers. Rey sank into her couch and kicked up her feet, gripping her cell phone like a lifeline.

First, she scrolled her contacts and stopped at Ben Solo. They rarely texted outside of work, but if she waited until she same him Monday, she’d surely lose her nerve.

 

>>Hi. Any big Christmas Eve plans? Wanna leave work early and get a drink with me at the pub?

 

She was surprised to see the three little dots appear on her screen right away; Ben must have had his phone in hand to see her message so quickly.

 

>>No plans at all

>>Sounds like fun

 

Rey sucked in a lungful of air and let it out slowly.

_ Okay, one down. _

Next, she opened up Millennium Match. She’d missed a reply from Kylo while at the diner. He must have liked the photo she’d sent of the woman’s figure on the bed, laying back in invitation. His message in response to her  _ wish you were here  _ simply read  _ you have no idea _ .

Biting her lip, Rey typed two lines, her hand trembling.

 

>>Meet me @ Lux Coffee tomorrow 1pm

>>I think I’ve fallen for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem Ben sends is an excerpt of 'Here I Love You' by Pablo Neruda. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I promise they'll work this out. xo


	8. I'm Ready to Move On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cracks on its surface made it clear  
> that there was a war of honor  
> bubbling up from within...
> 
> As I sat with the echoes of the lies that I told  
> I felt young, never changed by crooked hearts  
> So put your shotgun back in the glove  
> Come on and wait another year for the dream far away  
> To come home, to be brave
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'I'm Ready to Move On/Wild Heart Reprise'

Ben’s sweaty palms gripped his phone, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he stared down at the screen in abject horror.

“What… in the actual the _fuck?_ ” he bellowed, not giving a shit if the neighbor on the other side of the ridiculously thin apartment walls heard him.

Within a single minute, Ben had swung from elation over Rey’s invitation for drinks to complete and absolute terror at the message _Kylo_ had just received. His rage boiled beneath the surface, his heart pounding and surges of wild anger sparked, making him feel as though if he just willed it so, he could channel lightning from his fingertips.

Ben stood in his living room, his empty hand a tight fist at his waist, his legs spread in a wide stance as he stood breathing harshly, hovering over his couch as if it were the enemy. He stomped his foot like a petulant child and roared and angry growl. “Fuck!”

Was it possible to be jealous of himself? Because he sure as hell was.

_She’s falling for Kylo? Great. Exactly what you wanted, asshole._

_Wrong!_

The bitter taste of bile creeped up Ben’s throat, his stomach in knots. “Fuck,” he repeated, this time the single syllable escaped on little more than a gasped whisper.

“Okay, get it together, Solo,” Ben muttered as he slid his left hand through his hair to brush it off his forehead, gripping the raven strands and tugging until he felt a searing pain on his scalp. Finally, all of his energy felt spent, seeped through him like a sieve, and he collapsed down onto his old, worn couch, his folded knees awkward in front of him.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked aloud. As Ben heard the sound of his strained voice, he wondered if he was asking that question of an imaginary Rey or of himself.

With a sigh as deep as a chasm, Ben swiped his screen to return to the dating app. Fuckin’ Millennium Match. Why the hell had he ever let himself do this? He wished he could go back in time to the beginning of the week when he’d had that genius idea and make it die in a fire.

Time travel not being an option, Ben shook his head as he typed his reply. The game was over… and Kylo’s time was up. He messaged Rey back, being as truthful as he could be. He’d never be able to chat with her as Kylo Ren tonight; not after what she’d confided in him… not with the way he -- _Ben_ \-- felt about her. It would be more wrong than anything he’d already done. And he’d done a lot of wrong.  

 

>>Have a conflict tonight

>>I’m sorry we can’t chat

>>But I’ll be there

 

Quickly, he logged off the app and made himself focus on his other predicament.

Rey wanted to have drinks with Ben. Okay, no big deal. They were friends… sort of. She probably didn’t have anything better to and just wanted some company. Who else would she ask, anyway?

Ben returned to the text conversation between he and Rey. He read over his reply. _No plans at all. Sounds like fun._ He sounded like a fucking bucket of laughs. No wonder he was perpetually alone. He squeezed the bridge of his nose and screwed his eyes shut. He could do better than that, couldn’t he? Rey deserved better, for certain.

He typed one more line.

 

>>See you soon

 

If nothing else, it was honest.

  


*

  


By noon, Ben thought he might be having a cardiac episode. His heart was a vicious drumbeat, his pulse a rapid thrumming, his blood sprinting through his veins. His arrhythmic heart, the tightness in his lungs and chest, and the faint feeling every time he stood left him desperate for comfort. For someone to hold him and hear him and steer him in the right direction.

So he sloshed through the snow-covered sidewalk and took the subway to Penn Station, then hopped on the 1:45 train to Laurelton. By 2:15, the train was coming to a stop. The Lyft Ben had ordered waited for him to take him the six minutes’ drive. The nearly hour-long trip was totally worth it, Ben thought, as he rang the doorbell of the sprawling manse.  

The door whipped open a moment later, and a small woman with salt-and-pepper hair pulled back in an elegant chignon stared up at him, her dark eyes knowing and her lips pressed into a thin line.

“Ben…” she began, her tone suspicious, “what did you do?”

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, son,” she replied, a resigned grin tugging at her lips. “Well? Come on in,” she ordered, swinging the door open wide. “I’ll make you a sandwich.”

Fifteen minutes later, Ben had filled his mother in on the whole Rey debacle, leaving out the most saucy parts, of course. But Leia Organa-Solo was entirely too astute not to put two and two together. She hadn’t made her living as a successful lobbyist without having enough cunning wit and an obscene amount of emotional intelligence that allowed her to seemingly make deals out of thin air. No, he didn’t have to say he’d been messing around with Rey as Kylo, taking advantage of his position of anonymity and putting her in a position of questionable consent, threatening his own ethics.

The unimpressed lift of Leia’s single brow told him everything. Oh, she fucking knew, all right.

“Well, Ben, you’ve made quite a mess for yourself, haven’t you?” she sighed, exasperated.

Ben sat quietly stoic, his hands hanging limply in his lap. There at the kitchen table, in the seat that was always his directly to his mother’s right, Ben felt like a teenager being chastised for failing a school assignment all over again. He swallowed hard around the ridge in his throat.

“Do you think there’s any way I can fix it?” he asked, his gaze firm on the oaken pattern of the table.

“Do _you_ think there is a way?”

God, he hated that. He hated the way she’d always turn his questions right back onto him. Like she was an oracle but refused to help without making him figure everything out first. Couldn’t she -- for just _once_ in his goddamn life -- tell him the _right_ answer?

Ben clenched his jaw and felt his nostrils flare in frustration. He crossed his thick arms over his barrel chest like a petulant child. Leia just waited, watching him in expectant silence.

Finally, Ben huffed an answer. “Obviously I have to tell her the truth.”

"About?” Leia prompted.

“Everything,” Ben muttered, his eyes still locked firmly on the dining table’s surface. “And I probably need to just,” he paused, swallowing thickly again, “give her time.”

Leia breathed deeply, then nodded once. “Those are both good things. I just don’t know if they'll be enough.” She gave him a sad smile. “But I’ll be rooting for you, honey.”

That did not satisfy Ben. No -- no way. He came all the way out here to think and formulate a plan and this was… it was horseshit.

“C’mon, Mother… there’s gotta be something else I can do to show her.” He shoved the chair back from the table, his hand tugging at his shaggy hair again, his agitation rising. He started pacing the kitchen floor, his long legs crossing the distance in three strides. “I mean, I’m him! _He’s me_! Both of us are fucking in love with her. What more could she want?” he cried.

Leia stood and leveled him with a single look. “Sit your ass right back down, Benjamin,” she commanded.

Ben sat, while Leia remained standing, her petite figure a monolith above him. He watched her from beneath heavy brows, his eyes up even as his chin tilted to his chest in admonishment.

“ _You_ lied. _You’re_ in the wrong; not Rey. So you best be thinking of every possible way you can come clean with her, and frankly, even then she may refuse you. And you better prepare yourself for that, young man.”

“Every possible…” Ben trailed off. “What, you think I need to come up with some… grand gesture?” he questioned, his voice cracking with emotion on the last word. “I should stand outside her apartment in the street with a stereo in my arms, blasting _our song_?” he spat, his anger rising like the tide.

Leia slid her fists to her hips, the only sign of her own risen ire. “Maybe a grand gesture wouldn’t be such a bad idea, kid.”

  


*

  


Ben slept for shit.

He tossed and turned all night long, anxiety a pit in his stomach, acid coiling and slithering in his belly like a snake.

He hit the shower, hit the gym. Even after a massive weight lifting session followed by a brutally paced run, Ben felt like a live wire. He wished he could take that unbridled energy and divert it somehow, channel it away in order to stabilize his emotions, to ground himself in any way he could. But no engineering cheats or creative design could save Ben now.

Once he got home, Ben showered again, languishing beneath the spray. He longed for the days before he’d ever invented Kylo. How he wished the only thing he’d have to confess today was an unrequited crush.

At a quarter to one, Ben tossed on his jacket and his gray wool beanie, then locked his apartment door behind him. It was still fucking snowing. The sidewalk was a mess of white, slick with icy parts from too many pairs of feet tamping it down. He approached the end of the block and watched the entrance to Lux at the corner, looking for Rey. In all the commotion and upheaval of yesterday’s messaging mayhem, Ben hadn’t really processed the fact that Rey had chosen his -- _Ben’s_ \-- regular coffee shop for her and Kylo’s meeting place.

His stomach soured again. This whole thing was a clusterfuck. And it was no one’s fault but his.

Ben yanked open the shop’s door, the force of his overbearing pull causing the welcome bell above to slice through the cold winter air with a macabre jingle.

_Rey._

There she was, sitting at a corner table in the back, her body facing the door. The discordant bell startled her, her shoulders flying back in attention. Rey's gaze met his, moving from confused surprise, to pleasure, then to worry.

Ben stood stock still in the doorway, the glass sliding closed behind him to gently brush him forward into the shop as if the binding force of the universe simply willed it so.

“Ben!” Rey gasped, looking up at him as he slowly stalked toward her table. “Wh-what are you doing here?” she asked, her voice quivering, her eyes darting frantically behind his bulking frame toward the entrance.

“May I sit?” Ben asked, motioning toward the chair across from Rey’s bistro table.

A deep crease formed between Rey’s brows. Ben could see the panic in her hazel eyes. “Yes, of course, but--”

“It’s okay, Rey,” he conceded, guilt lacing his words.

“No, it’s just… I’m supposed to be meeting someone and I wouldn’t want,” she stopped, cleared her throat, “I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea...”

“Rey.” Her name, soft and determined on his lips, brokered no argument. Ben’s eyes held hers, his expression painfully in check, his breath coming in shallow spasms.

“Yes?” she breathed, eyes wide and wet, like a part of her knew that whatever happened next, it would change _everything_.

“It’s me.”

Rey blinked her honeycomb eyes at him, not fully comprehending what Ben was confessing, but somehow connecting to that strange bond they’d discovered over their intimate chats, tapping into it intuitively.

Her breath hitched. Her cheeks flushed pink.

The actual words were unnecessary now -- smart girl had already figured it all out -- but Ben _had_ to say it, all the same.

“I’m _him_. I’m Kylo Ren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Please stay with me. These two confused souls will sort it out. CHRISTMAS IS COMING OKAY?! xo


	9. Take Me Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you're sorry, I know you're sorry  
> I'll be in the shadows above (I I know you're sorry)  
> Better off before you, alone  
> I'm waiting to find out  
> Love will wake us, love won't break us  
> Love will take you  
> And if I can find, find a way out of myself again
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Take Me Away'

For interminable seconds, Rey didn’t move. She couldn’t; her body was in revolt.

Every joint, every muscle, every cell hung suspended in a nightmare fugue. Her lungs burned and fought for breath as if she’d been submerged, her lips finally parting as she gasped and heaved in a quivering gulp of air. Her entire body trembled as her cheeks and chest flamed red, her ire and utter embarrassment seeping through her pores.

And yet... she couldn’t tear her eyes away from Ben’s. Rey was locked in the prison of his searing gaze, the whites of his eyes raw and bloodshot, his dark eyes brimming with tears beneath heavy, worrisome brows.

Rey blinked, trying to snap out of her agony, her breathing coming in rapid gasps, the hot hair of her breath puffing down onto her shaking hands. Her stomach cramped, then she felt her throat constrict at the same time as a bitter saliva gathered at the base of her tongue.  

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” she cried, shooting up from the table and darting to the shop’s back corridor.

She slammed the restroom door shut and gathered her hair behind her head just in time. Her diaphragm spasmed over and over again, squeezing out her meager breakfast and the few sips of coffee she’d had while waiting for Kylo…

_Ben._

_Ben was Kylo._

Rey sank to her knees on the tile floor, unable to keep herself upright any longer. The surge of emotion flooded her, weakening her knees and slacking all of her muscles, turning her into a rag doll as she wailed aside the cold porcelain, shoving her palm over her dirty mouth to try and mute her anguish.

Too many feelings to count warred within her. Rey was angry, betrayed, hurt beyond recognition. Embarrassed, ashamed. Inexplicably guilty. Somewhere among the turmoil and outrage, Rey even felt some sick justification, as if there was now a reason why her subconscious had kept jumbling Kylo and Ben together all along. And lastly there was a small part of her --  a part she wanted to deny but couldn’t -- where a tiny, puzzling sense of relief rushed, no more than a trickle among a torrent.

Rey reached up to flush, and pushed herself up on shaking legs. Her whole body shuddered and swayed, unstable as a newborn colt. She gripped the sides of the sink with either hand, rooting herself, before splashing cold tap water on her face. It was no use; her skin was mottled with red blotches, her mascara smudged beneath her lashes.

She sniffed deeply, swiping at her sloppy nose. Rey stared at her disastrous reflection. “I have to get out of here…”

A swell of adrenaline spiked her bloodstream. She needed to get out of this bathroom and escape the shop without Ben seeing her. Rey couldn’t let him see her like this, wouldn’t allow him this intimacy, too, on top of all he’d stolen under the guise of Kylo.

She turned the knob and peeked out into the short hallway. She’d partially expected Ben to be right there, hovering on the other side of the door, waiting in ambush. But the shadowed hall was empty, save a couple cardboard boxes waiting to be broken down. To her right, the dimly lit hall opened up into the shop, bright whitewashed light seeping in through the street-facing windows. To her left, Rey spied a red exit sign above the alley door.

She shoved her hat over her head, and with one last sniffle, she scampered left, pushing open the heavy metal door and emerging alone into the bitter cold.

  


*

 

 

Rey heard the shrill doorbell ring repeatedly on the other side of Rose’s apartment door, as her shaking pointer finger pressed the button over and over again.

“Jesus Christ. _What?_ ” Rose bellowed, her voice distorted and metallic over the intercom.

“Rose?” Rey croaked.

“Rey? What the hell…? Come up, come up.”

The lobby door unlocked with an angry buzz and Rey stepped inside, the heat of the small space such a drastic difference from the cold and wet outside, she felt it smack her face. Stomping the snow from her boots, she trudged up the stairs, finding Rose standing with her hip holding her apartment door open, wearing a face creased with worry.

“What’s going on?” Rose asked as Rey approached. She took one look at her friend, and a fresh wave of tears spilled onto Rey’s cheeks. Rose sucked in a breath and held her arms out in a “v”, ready to envelop Rey. “Oh, honey,” she murmured as Rey landed in her embrace.

The two women slipped inside the apartment, and within moments Rey was cradling a cup of hot tea with honey, sharing her news with Rose.

Rose stared at Rey, her jaw dropping open. “Are you fucking kidding me?” she asked, enunciating each word.

“I wish,” Rey huffed, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table for her nose.

Rose’s eyes narrowed. “And you just left him there… just snuck out the back door without a word?”

“Well…,” Rey hedged, “ _yeah_.”

“Rey, honey, I know you’re mad,” Rey shot a warning glance at her friend, just knowing there was about to be an unwelcome ‘but’ somewhere in Rose’s next statement, “and you have every right to be, but--”

“And _there_ it is,” Rey mumbled.

“ _But_ ,” Rose continued in her Kindergarten teacher’s voice, talking over her friend, “this _does_ resolve quite a bit of your conundrum.”

Rey blinked, her brain unable to process whatever it was Rose was trying to tell her. Rose pressed on. “You’ve had feelings for Ben for months. You fell - _hard_ , I might add -- for Kylo in a matter of days. If they’re one and same, don’t you think maybe it’s… a sign?”

“A sign of what?”

"You know," Rose waved her hand in the air between them, "like a sign that you're... meant for each other. Or something."

"That's preposterous," Rey replied, but there was no fire left in her. Her response no more than a ragged whisper.

Rose leaned forward and ducked her chin, bringing her line of sight directly in front of Rey's. "Is it really? Because that’s how you _keep_ winning, my friend. Not fighting what you hate, but saving what you love.” Rose reached out for Rey’s hand and squeezed her in solidarity. “Do you love him? Is what you have -- or _could_ have with Ben -- worth saving?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Rose was quiet as she sat beside her friend. Rey’s breath had finally started to come in a slower, more controlled rhythm, her eyes beginning to dry as the she settled into the aftermath of her fateful rendezvous.  

“Listen,” Rose ventured, breaking the precarious silence, “why don’t you just stay here for the rest of the day? Hell,” she added, giving Rey a playful shove, “borrow some stuff and play hookey tomorrow, too.”

Rey’s shoulders sagged. “Ugh, I wish I could… but I have work,” she protested weakly.

A single dark brow arched in question as Rose scoffed, “You think it’s really going to be a busy day on Christmas Eve, Rey? It’s ridiculous they don’t just give it to you as a holiday.”

“That’s true,” Rey agreed, releasing a deep sigh. She dipped her chin and cupped her forehead with her palm. “Oh, shit. Work... I have to see him at _work_ , Rose!” Rey lamented, her voice muffled by the scarf still bundled beneath her neck.

“I know, sweetie,” Rose cajoled, rubbing Rey’s back. “One thing at a time.”

 

  
*

  


Rey gave up pretending she would go home and make it into work the next day, after all. It took little effort for Rose’s influence to reign, and so by ten o’clock the next morning, Rey stretched on Rose’s couch, dressed in a spare set of her friend’s flannel PJ’s and tucked beneath a sherpa blanket. Her lap was littered with used tissues, the full box of Kleenex wedged beside her on the couch as she watched her second Hallmark Christmas movie of the morning.

She’d not slept well, and before Rose had left to go run and deliver some gifts to her sister’s apartment a few blocks over, her friend had encouraged Rey to finish this movie and then try to take a nap.  Rey had agreed, but she knew as she snuffled at the film protagonist’s heartbreak over a dumb miscommunication, there would be no rest for her.

Her situation was just as bad as these contrived, manipulative, mushy holiday movies the hopeless romantic in her couldn’t help but adore.

In the movies, there was always some grand gesture. There was some way that one of the main characters, who you just _knew_ were destined to be together, did something to make up for all of the little white lies and the hijinx. Rey’s tears flowed hot on her cheeks, her nose red and somehow both stuffed and runny, because with the hurt, anger, and embarrassment she felt, Rey didn’t even know how she’d ever even go back to working in the same space as Ben, not to mention considering anything more.

It was all just too much for Rey’s overwrought brain to process.

Beside her, Rey’s phone pinged, and she actually welcomed the distraction from the goings on of the movie. She swiped her screen and her heart skipped a beat when she saw the Millennium Match alert. Indignation tore through her like a savage wind, and though her first reaction was to immediately delete the message without reading it, the preview of what Kylo -- _Ben_ \-- had written showed on her screen and of course her stupid eyeballs read it.

 

>>When you said you thought you were going to be sick, I didn’t think you were really ill. You okay?

 

Ugh, she wished he would shut his stupid, beautiful face. She was not ready to chat with him like he was some old chum. She didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to speak to the man again, and here was, checking in on her like a good pal?

Well, the sonofabitch had another thing coming.

Rey’s fingers tapped away on her screen, her pulse pounding heavy in her temples.

 

>>I’m deleting this account

 

She hit send, and quickly deactivated R.A. Jax’s profile. And then, with the fever-pitch of her heated blood coursing through her veins, Rey decided that you know what? She’d had enough wallowing in her own misery. She’d had enough of feeling impotent and out of control here on Rose’s couch like an invalid.

Well, Rey knew she was far from debilitated, and she’d be damned if she let anyone -- not even stupid Ben-Fucking-Solo, impact her career _or_ her reputation. Rey tossed the blanket off her legs, sending it whipping into the air to land on top of Rose’s bookshelf.

She was mad. And she was going home, taking a shower, and fucking going to work.

  


*

 

By noon, Rey walked with determined strides into her cube, purposely avoiding looking over into Ben’s. But despite the fact that his back faced her, she realized he somehow detected her presence, because from the corner of her eyes she saw Ben scramble back from his desk and nearly trip over himself to stand, his large body unfolding in a jumble of limbs.

He stood stock-still and wide-eyed, staring over the top of their shared wall, just watching her. She dropped her bag beside her desk chair as her eyes caught a coffee cup from Lux sitting beside her keyboard.

Rey’s heart tightened, the unwelcome memories of the day before rushing in like high tide. Slowly, she reached for it, her fingers wrapping around the cup, long-gone cold to the touch. He must have had it waiting for her this morning.

Rey clenched her jaw and lifted the cup, then spun a half-turn before dropping it unceremoniously into the wastebasket with a loud thunk. She brushed her palms together as if in good riddance before she took a seat at her desk and wiggled her mouse, her eyes locked straight ahead and most certainly not trying to catch Ben’s reaction in her periphery. She popped in her earbuds, but didn’t bother playing any music. She wasn’t really in the mood, she just wanted to send the message loud and clear that she had _nothing_ to say to him.

By one o’clock, Rey was reconsidering. Actually, she had _a lot_ she wanted to say to Ben. She felt her blood pressure skyrocketing; her heart felt like she’d ingested about five Red Bulls. She felt her pulse in her throat and her hands shook as she failed time and time again to direct the mouse on her screen to place a design exactly where she wanted it on her schematic program.

Her office phone rang, startling her like a gunshot. “This is Rey,” she answered.

“Hey, Jackson,” Poe’s voice, warm like tobacco, came over the line. “Listen, we need you in the conference room. Our project’s run into a little snag.”

Rey’s heart sank. She wasn’t sure she could handle more bad news today. But she told Poe she’d be right down, and stood slowly, adjusting her skirt and tights. She took a deep breath and grabbed her notepad, steeling her nerves to come face to face with Ben as if she were facing a tribunal.

She went down the hall and took a seat at the conference table, avoiding Ben’s gaze. But she felt it -- _oh she felt it like the heat of a thousand suns_ \-- her cheeks pinking despite her efforts to remain aloof and professional.

“So,” Poe began, gesturing to the small group of four gathered in the room, “our customer sent some new specifications that don’t really work with our current design.” Rey heard annoyed grumbles from the rest of the team as she watched Poe, his face morphing into a remorseful grimace. “And I know it’s Christmas, but we’re going to have to redesign the circuit board and the chassis one more time, and quick. We have the holiday tomorrow, but we’ll have to get it done by Friday or we’ll risk meeting our production milestone. We’ll also need new software designed before we can integrate,” Poe added, flicking his gaze toward the two software engineers on code.

“Rey, Ben,” Poe said, directing his attention back to the two of them, “can you two talk offline about how to expedite all of this? And we’ll need to re-do a new 3D model by the week’s end, too.”

“Yup,” Ben assented with a nod, glancing at Rey quickly before back down at the table.

Rey chirped a clipped “Sure” before turning to face Ben, her expression completely blank. “Solo, meet me in the lab.” She stood and stormed out of the conference room, leaving a gust of wind in her wake.

Before the door whooshed closed behind her, Rey heard Poe’s bewildered voice mutter, “What was _that_ all about?”

 _I’ll tell him what it’s all about_ , Rey thought, anger making her see nothing but red as she strode to the empty mech lab. There were maybe fifteen whole employees at work, with it being the holiday, and the place felt like a ghost town.

A ghost town thoroughly haunted by the specter of Ben Solo-slash-Kylo Ren.

Rey heard him enter the lab behind her and shut the door.

“Rey--”

She spun around, her feet rooted hips’ distance apart as if she needed to withstand a hurricane force just having the courage to face him.

“How dare you?” she seethed. “‘Nothing but the truth,’ Ben?” She shook her head, her voice deep and trembling. “Or should I call you Kylo? You fucking liar.”

Ben’s lips twitched, his jaw ticked, his eyes widened and blinked once. But he stood there, saying nothing, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed. Rey watched as remorse filled his gaze, his broad shoulders curving in on himself, his large body sinking in defeat.

“Say something!” Rey wailed.

_Fight me! Fight **for** me. _

Slowly, Ben shook his head. His mouth moved to form words, but nothing came.

Finally, he swallowed thickly and said, “I can’t, Rey.” Ben shook his head again, anguish rolling off him in waves so thick Rey could barely breathe. “Because every word you said is true.” He tilted his chin up in guilty acceptance. “I _am_ a monster. And I lied. But everything Kylo shared?” Rey watched Ben force down another swallow, watched his eye twitch again. “That was all me. And it was all true.”

Rey closed her eyes, her heart clenching with a pain so deep it cut… cut straight through the earth and split it open between where they stood, threatening to swallow her in its gaping maw.

She heard the rustle of his clothes as he took a step toward her, and Rey’s eyes popped open in silent warning. Ben’s hand shook as he lifted it from where it hung limp at his hip, reaching toward her tentatively.

“Rey,” he whispered, voice shaking with emotion, “give me a second chance.” Rey watched the determination solidify in his gaze, his his chin trembling and then clamping down as he spoke through his teeth one last, pleading word. “ _Please_.”

Rey couldn’t help it; the tears just started to stream down her cheeks, her eyes leaking like a sieve. She’d already been barely keeping it together all day, waffling between utter depression and the fiery flames of violent outrage. But this… watching him now, the sincerity in his eyes, the pain and resolve in his face as he kept his molten eyes on hers… Rey was now pretty sure this entire ordeal had just gone and cleaved her heart in two.

Through a curtain of tears, Rey released a sad puff of breath, her lids shuttering her from his gaze for just a moment. She felt a fresh wave of sorrow leaving hot trails on her skin, from her cheeks straight to her chin. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes once again, finding a her voice, hoarse as it was.

“Don’t do this Ben,” she pleaded.

The moment the words left Rey’s mouth, Ben’s arm dropped back down to his side, limp with defeat. With an almost imperceptible nod, he spoke. “You’re right.”

He rolled his shoulders back, and rose to his full height, the space in the lab suddenly compressing with the breadth of his frame. Ben continued, the stoic exterior Rey’d become so familiar with over the last two years sliding back into place. “I’ll email you a proposed timeline for the new design changes," he began, the deep timbre of his voice quiet and controlled. "You shouldn’t need me for more than the revised circuit board, and I’ll leave it with Poe,” he stated, his gaze suddenly distant. “I’ll leave it with Poe so you don’t have to… well.”

Ben pressed his lips into a flat line in some attempt at a warped smile. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

He nodded once, as if in affirmation of whatever thought might have just crossed his mind. “Merry Christmas,” he clipped. Then he turned and without another glance, scurried out of the lab.

The whole time they'd spoken, Rey'd wanted to shut him out, to hurt him the way he'd hurt her... to force him to leave her in peace. But as she stood there alone, there was no peace. Only heartache, and the solitary surprising thought that niggled her mind: _please come back to me_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to turn around, dear readers. It was time to face the music... now maybe it will be the music that sees them both through to the other side of this mess. HAVE FAITH.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and your lovely comments. xo


	10. Wild Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the whole damn song, okay? For reasons.
> 
> They closed the parkway late last night  
> And as I sat with the echoes of lies that I told  
> I felt young, never changed by crooked hearts  
> So put the shotgun back in the glove  
> Come on and wait another year for dreams far away  
> To come home, to be brave
> 
> Well, everything has changed  
> And now it's only you that matters  
> I will find any way to your wild heart
> 
> They boarded up the windows and the doors to my house  
> No one will ever read the letters or the lies that I told  
> From the years I was changed  
> By crooked hearts
> 
> Why did they have to go and do us like that?  
> Why did they have to go and run from the dream far away
> 
> Were we there? Was I brave?
> 
> To think everything must die  
> For anyone to matter  
> Got to find any way to your wild heart
> 
> I will find any way to your wild heart  
> I will find any way
> 
> Everything has changed and  
> Now I can't tell what matters  
> I will find any way to your wild heart  
> Your wild heart
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Wild Heart'

 

Alone in the lab, Rey got her face under control before shuffling back out to her cube. By the time she got there Ben’s cube was empty, his messenger bag and his little banker’s lamp switched off -- a sure sign he was gone. A deep ache bloomed in her chest at the sight.

In a fog, Rey rolled out her desk chair and sank into it, eyes swollen and scratchy, her gaze unfocused. She knew getting any work done the rest of the afternoon was a joke. Between the general holiday fever on the rise throughout the office and her disastrous last twenty-four hours, Rey thought perhaps she should just go home… again.

On second thought, she decided to stick around for a while more. She could go back to the design issue she was dealing with before Poe’d called, or maybe make some notes about alternative designs that would meet the specs for the redesigned circuit board so she could be ready to be productive for Be --

_No_ , she corrected herself, just for when she returned after Christmas.

Tucking into her work, Rey attempted to shove the memories of everything that had happened that morning into the far recesses of her mind. Her rational brain knew she would gain nothing by replaying the scene at the coffee shop... the scene in the lab… over and over again. But the part of her that was truly just a glutton for punishment couldn’t seem to stop the images from running on repeat in her mind.

_It’s me. I’m Kylo Ren._

_I_ **_am_ ** _a monster._

_Please..._

Rey’s stomach rumbled with an angry growl. She realized she hadn’t eaten anything all morning at Rose’s and in her rush to get to the office and confront Ben, she’d skipped lunch. Now it was after two o’clock, her adrenaline was settling, and she was famished. Her hunger pains benumbed as notification for her work email popped onto the corner of her screen. Rey’s eyes immediately zeroed in on the sender’s name: Solo, Ben.

Her heart stuttered and sputtered, unclear whether this news brought relief of more worry. Rey blinked slowly as she remembered Ben had said he’d email her a timeline for their urgent redesign… the battering wings in her belly subsided as she realized the message could be nothing more than that.

Deciding to get it over with and to start dealing professionally with Ben as just another coworker for the sake of her career, Rey switched to her mail client and clicked on Ben’s subjectless email.

It wasn’t a timeline.

The first line of the message’s body was one word: Please.

All Rey could picture was the way Ben’s face looked in the lab ninety minutes earlier… the way his normally self-controlled facade had been completely destroyed, the raw edges of his emotions revolving like a kaleidoscope on his face, morphing from one broken expression to the next.

Beneath that single word, he’d embedded a link to an audio file, and the additional instruction stating “Press play.”

Her first instinct was to delete the damn message. He couldn’t send her personal emails on her work, anyway.

But Rey could only see that single word slipping from his full, trembling lips... hear that single word as it was whispered to her, pleading and desperate. She could only see his hand, reaching for hers, asking with every cell in its makeup to join him… to make things right between them.

“Dammit,” Rey muttered. There was no way she could delete the message; no matter how angry she was, her heart just couldn’t turn off like that. Not yet.

Not when the thing that crushed her the most was the fact that, despite her sorrow and all that had gone to shit over the last day -- Rey _still_ held a candle for Ben. And she’d sure as hell never get over the intense feelings Kylo had born in her.

Yes, the hurt independent woman she was fought tooth and nail to deny those two facts, wanted to pretend they meant nothing. But that would be a lie.

And Rey was done lying to herself.

She pressed play.

 

*

 

  
After she’d checked the email from Ben, getting any further work done had been a lost cause. The audio file had been a link to a song, and its words kept assaulting her, making concentration on anything else but the song's lyrics she knew without a doubt Ben had selected carefully.

Rey’d packed her laptop and said goodbye to the few people who’d held out until mid-afternoon on Christmas Eve and had headed home. Her walk had been consumed by the song, playing in memory on a loop, the words flitting in and out of her mind in snippets, like road signs along the highway.

_“And as I sat with the echoes of lies that I told…”_

Yes, he’d definitely told lies, Rey joylessly acknowledged as she trudged through the still-falling snow, deep in thought, her hands shoved into the pockets of her coat and her head tucked against the wet and the wind. But Ben had insisted that everything he’d shared under the guise of Kylo had been the truth.

What was she to make of that? Hadn’t she created a profile on Millennium Match for a similar reason? For a way to make a mask that could shield her, protect her, embolden her?

The skies darkened quickly. The sun was deeply shrouded by the storm’s cloud cover, and daylight was already scarce with the solstice having just passed. Everything around Rey was gray…

_Ain’t that the truth of it_ , she thought wryly. _Sometimes, even engineers have to admit it’s hard to make the world fit into black and white, good and evil, right and wrong._

Rey’s boots, heavy with snow, clopped up the stairs to her apartment. She bit her lip, the chapped and windburned skin rough against the tip of her tongue, as more of the song’s lyrics glided through her mind.

_“Well, everything has changed, and now it's only you that matters...I will find any way to your wild heart.”_

The words replayed in her memory once more as she reached her apartment door, heartbeat faltering and her eyes slipping shut from the intense rush of emotion that flooded her. Rey lay her head against the cool wood of her door, her hand resting on the knob as her body claimed support from the onslaught. The tears started again, hot and flowing unbidden.

With Herculean effort, Rey managed to unlock her door through the haze of her crying eyes. She stepped inside and meandered past her kitchen despite the hunger gnawing at her belly and headed straight for the comfort of her bedroom. Having been at Rose’s the night before, Rey was immediately met with the memories of when she’d last been in her bed… her thoughts possessed by Kylo and the prospect of finally meeting him in the flesh.

Little had she known, she’d already met “Kylo”… she’d already been drawn to him, had already fantasized about him when she’d fantasized about Ben. Rey’d already imagined his full lips against hers, more times than she could count. Had imagined Ben’s big, strong arms holding her, making her feel safe and sound.

Rey sank down to sit at the foot of her bed, her eyes unfocused as the memory of what Kylo’s-- _Ben’s_ \-- bare chest looked like from the picture he’d shared. Rey’d known he was fit, but she’d had no idea what was going on beneath those button-downs and modest vests. A shiver slipped down her spine and the fine hairs on her arms prickled, gooseflesh rising.

She tried to keep her hand from reaching for her purse.

Tried really hard not to fish around in her bag for her cell phone. Told herself not to do it, not to open Millennium Match. Not to re-activate her profile.

But she didn’t listen.  

Rey’s pulse quickened as she hastily marked herself as invisible on the app, ensuring no one could see her activity. Curiosity gripped her and she dug her top teeth into the flesh of her bottom lip, feeling naughty and depraved for treating Ben like a piece of meat as she scrolled back through her message history with Kylo, searching for _the_ photo.

The cropped selfie of him shirtless.

_Whoa._

It was hard to reconcile that she was seeing _Ben_ , the unflappable engineer whose tough exterior she’d barely begun to succeed in breaking through.

Rey’s eyes skimmed over the words he’d written her in their chat, the memories battering her like storm waves on the shore -- relentless, wild, unstoppable. She looked at each black and white photo Ben had sent as his alter ego, her drumbeat heart pumping hot, greedy blood through her veins. And then her breath escaped her in a mesmerized puff, her body reacting to the memory that crossed her mind with a deep shiver.

Rose had said the pictures were love letters… Rey had told this to Kylo, and he’d agreed. Did that… could it mean that he -- _Ben_ \-- loved her?

“Oh my God,”  Rey gasped, her heart clenching in the cage of her ribs, her eyes brimming once again.

Just then, the dot next to Kylo’s name turned green. Could Ben be looking for her? Somehow, Rey knew in her gut he was. That silvery thread that connected them told her he was online, lying in wait, for _her._

Maybe, he was ready to fight for her, for _them_.

Was it enough? Did she dare to start this with him? Her mind swirled with questions without easy answers. All Rey knew was that she ached and longed and missed... even while she still seethed over what Ben had done.

Her hand shook as she opened their chat. Half of her mind shouted at her to drop her phone and desist this ridiculous behavior immediately. But she couldn’t ignore the memory of Rose’s voice asking her if she didn’t think this series of absurd events could’ve been a sign.

_You win not by fighting what you hate, but saving what you love._

Rose had asked if what she could have with Ben was worth saving. She closed her eyes, her breath coming in rapid pants, her chest heaving with nerves and jumbled emotions.

“God help me,” Rey whispered, as she tapped out a single missive.

  
>>I’m so angry with you right now

 

A reply pinged her phone, instantaneous. Rey recognized his words as the lyrics from the song he'd sent, on constant replay in her mind for hours.

 

>>it’s only you that matters

>>i will find any way to your wild heart

 

She whimpered aloud, the tears flowing freely, her head throbbing and aching with confusion. She wanted this -- craved it like a junkie -- and yet she needed him to understand how deeply his dishonesty had hurt her. Needed Ben to know her trust in him, someone she’d always held close to her heart despite the walls he’d constantly erected, was seriously damaged.

But goddamn, she was tired of fighting her feelings. Tired of burying them. Sick of lying in wait for Ben to realize she’d been there all along, prodding at his tough exterior, her engineer’s mind exploring his structure and composition, assessing his shell for weak spots.

Because _he_ had realized it. And maybe it took this farce for him to wake up -- for them _both_ to wake up -- but Rey felt… different. Changed.

A series of messages lit up her screen like fireworks.

 

>>I’m so sorry for what I did, Rey

>>but the words are true…

>>I wanted you ANY WAY I could get you,

>>i was blinded by it

>>it was a stupid, crazy move

>>probably the stupidest fucking idea a man could have

>>but i had to try

 

_Oh…_

His words -- true and honest and bare of all pretense -- were too much for Rey to bear. Her heart swelled at them, but her mind was still muddled. And more than anything, she was afraid. This strange desire that had awoken with Kylo now bloomed inside her soul, making her feel things she couldn’t explain, making her deal with things her meticulous, organized mind couldn’t easily sort and label.

Rey curled into a ball on top of her comforter and let the tears flow. She was confused and still angry, hurt and yet part of her was soaring. As she quietly cried amidst her chaotic emotions, Rey couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this sensation of slipping down a steep slope, not sure if she wanted to catch herself or not, was why it was called _falling_ in love.

The thought jerked her upright.

She licked her dry, chapped lips and sniffled as she reached for her phone. It was her turn to share a line from the song, because there was nothing that could be closer to the truth.

 

>>Now everything has changed

>>and I can’t tell what matters

 

Then, braver than Rey could ever recall being, she added her own words.

 

>>I think I miss you

 

A moment later, Ben’s response appeared.

 

>>Ben? Or Kylo?

 

Rey swiped the tears from her cheeks, her brow furrowing in thought.

 

>>Just you.

 

Quickly, before she could admit to anything else in her jumbled state, Rey exited out of the app. She pressed her palm to her chest and felt the pounding of her heart. Her eyes were puffy and sore from the endless bouts of tears she’d shed over the last day, her body spent and exhausted from the emotional upheaval.

And yet, she felt… _hope_.

She closed her eyes and, almost immediately, Rey fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, her cell phone clutched in her hand like a lifeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can take a listen to this amazing song here. It gives me ALL the Reylo feels. *sigh*
> 
> Thank you, friends, for reading! Have HOPE. xo


	11. Like a River Runs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have *almost* the whole entire song... because it's just that good.  
> Things are finally turning around for our sweet babies. Warning: FIRE AHEAD. 
> 
> * * *
> 
> I woke up thinking you were still here  
> My hands shaking with regret  
> I've held this dream for such a long long time  
> And I wanna get up  
> To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart  
> That beats, that beats like a rolling drum
> 
> When I fall asleep I can see your face  
> What I lost in you I will not replace  
> And I could run away, I could let them down  
> But I will remember your light
> 
> Your light it follows me in darkness  
> I'm trying hard but I can't win  
> And I've played the victim for a long long time  
> And I wanna grow up  
> From the rhythm a young, from the rhythm of a younger heart  
> It leads just like a river runs
> 
> When I fall asleep I can see your face  
> What I lost in you I will not replace  
> And I could run away, I could let them down  
> But I will remember
> 
> And if you see me in the darkness  
> I hope you know I'm not alone  
> I carry you with every breath I take  
> I won't let up, I won't let up  
> Until the wind is gone
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Like a River Runs'

 

Ben spent most of the night awake, staring at the patterns on his bedroom ceiling made by the shifting holiday lights on the street below. He’d begged out of going to his mom’s for Christmas Eve dinner, having shared with her the reason for his lousy mood.

“What will you do now?” Leia had inquired, her voice full of sympathy.

“Honestly?” Ben had replied, releasing his breath in a long, thoughtful sigh. “I think I better figure out a grand fucking gesture.”

And so he’d spent the night with his arms crossed behind his head, resting his eyes occasionally but never once really letting his thoughts drift away from the task at hand. Rey had messaged that she missed him... There was no way he was going to let a statement like that go by without drastic action, not when he was fighting for his salvation.

Christmas morning dawned in shades of peach and pink, the hint of a blue sky miraculous after almost two straight days of snow. The world outside glowed bright, the white snow reflecting daybreak. The soft, warm colors outside reminded Ben of Rey’s skin, always golden and sun-kissed, even in the winter. He was so far gone for her, it was ridiculous.

Ben looked at his phone for the hundredth time, eager to re-read the last message she’d sent him, desperate to prove to himself yet again that she’d really written it -- that it was there, in little pixelated words on his screen -- and not just his wishful thinking.

_Just you._

The words gave Ben a sense of determination, the tiniest sliver of faith that he could turn this disastrous ship around… that he could make things right between he and Rey.

Just you.

That’s what he desperately wanted to communicate to her -- to prove to her there was no one else who occupied his thoughts, no one else who who made him burn the way she did. Who made him make foolhardy mistakes and asinine decisions. Ben couldn’t see anything but Rey, even in the goddamn sunrise he saw her. Only and ever _her_.

Ben sat up, eyes wide despite his lack of rest. An idea had crossed his mind, and he suddenly know exactly what he needed to do.

It was entirely too early and he was sure Rey wasn’t yet awake, but he scrambled out of bed and grabbed the same poetry book off his shelf that he’d used the other night. Ben flipped through it, trying to find the line he was looking for.

“Here we go,” he spoke to himself as his gaze landed on the right sonnet, skimming to find the line he remembered.

Ben tapped his screen, and bypassed Millennium Match. On his phone, he scrolled through his messages to the last one he’d gotten from Rey, when she’d invited him for the drinks they never got to have.

He was done wearing Kylo’s mask; this message was coming directly from him.

 

>>” _Your wide eyes are the only light I know from extinguished constellations_.”

 

_Only you,_ Ben thought once more as he hit send. He put his phone on the charger before heading to grab a shower and get dressed. It was time to go.

 

*

 

Regardless of the sun finally making its presence known, the snowstorm had ushered in a nasty front, leaving bitter cold air in its wake. Ben wore four layers in the sub-zero temperatures, his fingertips going numb even inside his black leather gloves. The snow was blinding in the morning sunshine, and he squinted even from behind his Ray-Bans.

He wondered how long it would be before Rey woke. Ben stripped off a glove, gripping a leather fingertip between his teeth and pulling. He shoved the glove in one pocket then pulled his cell phone out from the other. He checked the time and realized the next step of his plan was due.

Opening up his chat window with Rey, he saw his message was still marked as delivered, which led him to believe she was still asleep. After all, it was only seven a.m. on Christmas morning, and Ben couldn’t fault her for remaining wrapped up in a warm bed. He attached an image he’d found earlier in the morning, the next step in Operation: Redemption.

The picture was yet another black and white, this one cropped tightly around the profile of two faces in silhouette, the man’s lips hovering above the woman’s neck, her lips lingering just millimeters away from his collarbone. The image made the couple look like puzzle pieces, perfectly cut to fit one another, dark curves and angles sliding into white space making the unified picture resemble yin and yang. Darkness and light. Two parts of a whole.

Ben typed out the words he’d prepared before he hit send:

 

 

>>I'll wait as long as you need

>>As long as it takes

>>Because you’ll always be worth it

 

 

>>Please call me when you wake up

 

He wondered if he’d survive --literally -- if she didn’t call.

 

*

 

 

Ben didn’t have to wait long to find out. About ten minutes later, his pocket started to vibrate as his phone rang, startling the hell out of him.

“Shit,” his hissed, juggling the phone in his hand as he used his teeth to strip off his glove once again, afraid his frozen fingers would bobble it and send it falling into the snowdrifts at his feet. Finally, on the fifth ring, Ben swiped to answer the call, his anxious voice deep with lack of sleep. “Rey?” he breathed.

He heard a sniffle on the other side of the line. “Hey,” she croaked.

“Thanks, um,” Ben paused, releasing a slow breath to get his racing heart under control, “thank you for calling me.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly. “I guess we have some things to talk about.”

Behind his sunglasses, Ben’s brows lifted in relief. “Do we?”

Rey was quiet for a moment. When she spoke, Ben could tell by the clipped tone of her voice and the careful pronunciation of Rey’s words that he’d already managed to fuck this up.

“I assumed that’s why you wanted me to call.”

Squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head at his botched words, he quickly clarified, “No, no that’s not what I meant. I…” he paused to force a swallow down his thick throat, “I was just relieved. That you would… that you would be willing to talk with me.”

After a beat, Rey replied, ever the pragmatist he knew. “Oh. Well, we have some sorting to do don’t we?”

Ben wanted to sort everything -- to put every last piece of their crazy puzzle in place -- so he could finally earn Rey’s affection. And he’d been standing out in the cold for the last forty-five minutes begging for the chance. There was no way he was giving up now.

“Yes,” he stammered, “we do.”

She was quiet for another beat. Then Rey spoke again, this time her voice was timid, so unlike what Ben was used to with her. “I really liked the song, Ben.” Another beat. “Thank you.”

“I meant every word, Rey,” Ben professed, his voice beginning to quiver with the shivers wracking his body from the cold. “The song, the ones I messaged you, the ones I said as Kylo… _all_ of them.”

“Ben,” Rey said in a rush of words, her courage coming through loud and clear, “do you… do you have real feelings for me? For the me you’ve known these past two years?”

He closed his eyes and pictured Rey’s smiling face. Pictured her cajoling him at work, the way her grin was almost contagious, even to an asshole like him. Pictured her joy and pride when she made a design come to life flawlessly at the office. Pictured her that summer night on the harbor cruise, sitting beside him at the bar, making him feel like maybe he’d just discovered the meaning of life.

“Yes,” he breathed.

She groaned. “I wish you were here in person,” she blurted. “I just wanna… scream at you and smack your stupid barrel chest for what you’ve done.” Rey released a deep sigh. “And then maybe finally just… touch you.”

This was it. It was time.

“Rey,” Ben urged, “look out your window.”

He heard the sound of rustling, then looked up just in time to see the blinds on Rey’s window snap upward, her surprised face coming into view.

She was brighter than the sun.

“Ben…” she began, breathless, “what are you doing out there? It’s freezing!”

“No shit,” he laughed. “But I’ve been waiting for you.”

“There? In the snow?” she questioned, her voice twisting in concern.

“Yeah,” Ben nodded, still looking at her three floors up. “Right here.”

Rey darted away from the window, and Ben heard a strange muffled sound. “Rey?” he asked, “Hello?”

He got no reply, and panic started to flood his frozen limbs. “Shit, shit, shit,” he hissed, hiking his bag onto his shoulder and looking around like a lost puppy. Had he just lost all chances and fucked this up even worse than before? Had his gamble failed?

Movement to his right caught his eye, and Ben turned to see Rey in her building doorway. She was disheveled, still in yesterday’s clothes, her hair a mess, her feet tucked into unlaced snow boots, her chest heaving with her breath.

She’d never looked more beautiful.

He stood up to his full height and shuffled his feet to face her completely, his fate squarely in her hands. They stared at one another, her glinting into the bright light of day, raising her hand to shield the eastern sun from her eyes, him stock-still and solemn as he watched her, awaiting judgment.

“Come inside, Ben.”

 

*

 

After following Rey up three flights of stairs in complete silence, she opened the door for him and ushered him into her apartment. The rush of warmth battered him, and Ben quaked with relief from the bitterness outside. He could barely feel his toes.

“I’ll get you some tea or something,” Rey muttered as she turned and headed toward her tidy kitchen, avoiding eye contact with him.

“No,” he called, his voice more commanding than he’d intended. It seemed to stop Rey dead in her tracks. She glanced over her shoulder at him, eyes wide and questioning, face flushed.

“No?”

“I mean, wait,” he said, sliding his bag off his shoulder and holding it in front of him in a weak offering, “I have something here. For us.”

Rey furrowed her brow as she turned and slowly walked back to where Ben stood. He unbuckled his messenger bag and withdrew a tall insulated thermos. “Coffee,” he said, holding it out toward her.

She stood in front of him, her mouth fighting the hint of a perplexed smile. “You’ve had hot coffee with you the whole time,” she said, her words a statement and not a question, as if she was clarifying her understanding.

“Yes,” he admitted, his dark eyes wide and unblinking.

“But you didn’t drink it?”

He shook his head. “No.” Swallowed thickly. “I was waiting for you.”

Rey took a half step closer. “And what if I hadn’t invited you in?”

Ben paused, considering. “Then I’d still be waiting.”

Rey’s tongue darted out and swiped at her rosebud lips. Her gaze drifted from his eyes to his lips and back up again, and Ben was dying inside, desperate to know what she was thinking. “Give me a minute,” she blurted before dashing down the hallway and disappearing into her bedroom.

Alone in her living room, Ben shoved his discarded boots beside hers before heading toward her couch. Gingerly, he sat at the edge of the cushion, not sure what was happening. He placed the thermos on the coffee table and slipped a blue cloth covered book out of his bag and set it down beside the thermos.

He glanced around the small space and noticed was how bright it was, peaches and yellows accenting her neutral furniture, the walls the palest shade of pink. It was tidy and sweet, just like Rey.

Ben heard the sound of running water and looked quizzically toward the hallway. He hung his head in his hands as he stared at the book he’d placed on the table. It was his copy of Neruda’s poetry, the one he’d had since the elective in college he’d been required to take had introduced him to to the poet, turning the class into an unexpected favorite for a guy neck-deep in an engineering discipline.

Ben just hoped the words he’d inscribed on the front cover conveyed all he felt in his heart. If standing outside of her apartment in the cold, committed to delivering this to Rey wasn’t a grand gesture revealing the deepest desires of his heart, Ben didn’t know what was.

He flipped open the cover and read over the note he’d painstakingly printed early that morning.

 

_Dearest Rey,_

_Let’s move away from the mistakes of our past. We’ll kill them, if we have to. Because there’s no future for me without you, no peace without your kind heart, no light without your smile._

_These poet’s words_ _do_ _speak for me, but I swear I’ll never hide behind another’s words again. You deserve my truth -- today and always._

_I know you’re scared of being hurt and being alone again, but I promise to stand by your side, if only you’ll let me._

_Please don’t be afraid. I feel it, too._

_Yours,_

_Ben_

 

*

 

Ben didn’t know how long he sat in Rey’s living room, overthinking and second guessing himself. But suddenly, her light, floral scent overwhelmed his senses. A moment later, she appeared, her hand coming to rest on the arm of the couch.

“Hello,” Ben marveled as he took in Rey’s damp hair curling at her shoulders, the freckles smattered across her nose, her face fresh and clean.

“Hello,” she whispered.

“Will you sit with me for a second?” he asked.

Rey shrugged, licking her lips. “Okay.”

She sat, and Rey wasn’t nearly close enough for Ben’s tastes, but he supposed it was a start. After all, he’d be lucky if she ever let him touch her the way he longed to after the stunt he’d pulled. His only hope lay in his sincere offerings. With that thought and a silent prayer in mind, Ben took the book from the table and held it out to her.

“This is for you,” he murmured, his eyes never leaving hers.

Rey looked down at the book as he placed it in her hand. “Neruda’s poetry?” she whispered, her finger tracing the embossed title on the cover.

Ben used his pointer finger to flick the front cover up, revealing his neat block print on the inner page. Rey’s eyes flicked to his, looking at him through her lashes for a long moment before her gaze turned back to the book. She was quiet as she presumably read his inscription before finally lifting her chin to meet his eyes once more.

“I…” she started, her nose turning pink and her watery eyes darting around the room, “I don’t know what to say,” she admitted, her voice thick with emotion.

“I’m really sorry, Rey,” Ben lamented, his heart pounding with the need for her to know just how desperate he was for a second chance. "For everything."

Rey sniffled and blinked her tears away. She shifted the book to her left hand, then slowly overturned her right to rest on her knee, palm up. She held it aloft for a moment, then looked directly at Ben and whispered, “I know.”

Ben’s heart skipped a beat, wondering if she was really offering her hand, offering her acceptance. All he could think about was the first picture she’d sent him on Millennium Match, the one with her hand outstretched, stuck in cyberspace. But not this. _This_ was real -- this was Rey, flesh and bone. Ben slowly lifted his hand until it hovered above hers, their gazes never breaking hold of each other. Tentatively, he let his pointer finger slide against the tip of hers.

Electricity jolted through him at the touch, and he flicked his finger back, slowly pulling his hand away. “Thank you,” he said with a nod, his lungs filling with a hopeful breath.

Rey’s breath stammered, too, before she released a puff of air, her hands gripping the book in her lap with white knuckles.

She cleared her throat. “What do you have, there?” Rey asked, pointing with her chin toward the thermos on the table, the intense moment they’d just shared fading to a slow simmer.

Ben blinked up at her. “Do you have any mugs?”

Her lips twitched at the absurdity of the question. _Of course she had mugs_ . She rolled her eyes at him good-naturedly, the easy exchange between them reminiscent of… _before_.

Ben watched Rey retreat toward her cozy kitchen, her legs clad in soft buffalo-check flannel, a black thermal t-shirt stretched snugly across her strong shoulders and elegant back. She retrieved two mugs from a wooden mug tree on her counter and pivoted back toward him, settling down on the couch beside him. Ben unscrewed the thermos and poured some creamy coffee, still steaming hot, into a mug before sliding it over toward Rey. He poured a second mug for himself, then re-screwed the lid.

“Thank you, “ she said quietly, staring down at the mug as she slipped her palm around the warm porcelain. Carefully, she raised the mug to her lips and took a tentative sip. Her brows lifted as the taste hit her tongue and as soon as she swallowed, her hazel eyes met his. “Mmm,” she murmured before quirking a brow at him. “Don’t you take yours black?”

Ben took a sip from his mug, relishing the heat as it slid down his throat, warming him from the inside out. “I do,” he admitted, “but you don’t.” She held her mug and stared at him, her eyes softening in appreciation. “You take yours with cream and entirely too much sugar,” Ben added, a glint of mirth in his own dark gaze. “Almost makes the junk you drink tolerable.”

Rey’s lips twitched, the little creases on the outside of her hazel eyes crinkling in what Ben hoped was amusement. “Well,” she paused, taking another sip, “this is definitely… _not swill._ ”

Ben chuckled, sliding his own paw of a hand against his mug, seeking its warmth. “Not swill, no,” he agreed. “It’s imported organic Colombian Supremo,” he stated, his mouth fighting a smug smile.

Rey set her mug down on the coffee table, shaking her head ruefully. “You really _are_ a coffee snob.”

Ben's eyes followed the motion of his arm as he set his mug down beside hers, then lifted his chin to catch her gaze from beneath his lashes. He stared at her graceful face, wary and trusting all at once before declaring in a deep, soft rumble, “I have exquisite taste.”

Rey blinked as a serious flush climbed her cheeks. “Ben,” she exhaled, her eyes sliding closed for a moment before flitting back open, “you say these things and…” she trailed off.

Ben swallowed. He canted a dark brow. “And?”

“And,” Rey began, pausing to tuck her bottom lip beneath the edge of her teeth. The tip of her tongue peeked out once again before she released her lips and continued. “They make me weak.”

Ben shook his head vehemently. “You could never be weak, Rey. You’re as strong as they come.”

Color bloomed on the apples of her cheeks yet again. “And what about you?” she asked, her voice thick with something Ben couldn’t quite identify. “You’re strong,” Rey said, her eyes raking over his chest, “I’ve seen your picture.”

Ben’s breath came quickly, the skin on his forearms breaking into gooseflesh beneath his shirt. “On the outside, yes. But inside…,” he swallowed, locking his eyes on her honeyed gaze. “I’m molten. I _burn_ for you.”

Rey’s eyes fluttered shut as a puff of warm breath escaped her, ghosting over Ben’s face. She blinked her eyes open and shot her hand out to clutch the shirt at his chest. “Oh my God,” she gasped, yanking him toward her. “Get over here.”

His mouth crashed into hers, two galaxies colliding. Her lips were soft and pliant, her tongue swiping along the seam of Ben’s lips. He opened to her, surrendering to Rey body and soul. His tongue slipped into the heat of her mouth, tasting the sweet coffee on her tongue, moaning at the luscious taste of _her_.

Her grip on his shirt loosened, and Ben could feel the heat of her palm where it lay against his chest. He slipped one hand behind Rey’s back, his fingertips tracing over the notches of her spine, while his other hand closed atop hers, pressing her palm directly against his drumbeat heart.

Slowly, Rey pulled back, her mouth hovering an inch from his. “Is this okay?” she whispered.

Ben inched back further, angling his face so he could see her better. His jaw worked soundlessly, his gaze fixed firmly on Rey’s questioning eyes. “Rey,” he breathed, tilting his head so his forehead rested against hers, “this is more than okay.”

The hand not pressed against his chest slid up along his ribcage and over his neck until she cupped his cheek. “Take me to bed?”

Ben gripped her hips and went in for a quick kiss, his teeth nipping her full bottom lip as he retreated. Then, he yanked her forward unceremoniously, wedging his hulking arms underneath her thighs and hoisting as he stood. Instinctively, Rey’s long legs wrapped around either side of his waist, holding herself tight to him as he meandered down the hallway, making slow progress as his lips continued to seek hers.

He fumbled at a closet door and Rey shook her head, mumbling _next one_ between wet, panting kisses. Ben shuffled through another doorway and kept walking until he felt Rey’s mattress against his knees. Rey must have realized they’d reached her destination because she slid down the length of his torso and planted her feet on the bed, her breasts landing right in his face due to the height she now had over him.

Without hesitation, Rey whipped her thermal off and tossed it to the floor, revealing a solid black cotton bra beneath. Ben whimpered, his eyes locked on the soft, freckled flesh before him. Gazing up at her from beneath his heavy brows, Ben swallowed and summoned all the strength inside to make his mouth form actual words.

“Rey,” he panted, “tell me what you want, here, because before we get too far…” he swallowed thickly. “I need to know what you want.”

Rey raked her fingers through his hair, brushing the unruly locks off of his forehead. “I want you, Ben,” she said, her lip forming a half smile as her cheeks flushed with color once again. “I’ve always wanted _you_.”

Her words were a benediction, bathing him in warm relief. Ben blinked, unsure how this moment could possibly be real. It was all he’d hoped for.

He ghosted his fingertips over her ribs and watched her flesh react to his touch, her eyes turning from honey to rich, dark whiskey, the fine hairs on her arms standing on end, her nipples tightening behind the cotton of her bra. His hands hovered at the clasp at her back, snaking one long finger beneath the bra’s band.

“I’m not gonna want to stop,” he admitted, his voice a low rumble.

“I won’t want you to stop,” Rey whispered, shaking her head.

Ben quirked a brow at her, his head still tipped up to meet her eyes. “Protection?”

Rey’s shoulders slumped. “Shit,” she hissed, “no.”

Ben’s eyes fluttered closed. “Me either,” he muttered. “I wasn’t expecting--”

“No, no,” Rey agreed, giving his firm torso an understanding squeeze. “I understand.” She huffed, her expression doing little to hide the warring inside of her. “Maybe you could just…” she paused, face flushing bright red, “pull out?”

She was goddamn adorable, standing before him half naked but seemingly embarrassed by her words. Ben huffed a short laugh, then brushed the stubble of his cheek along Rey’s jawline. “Rey,” he began, drawing out the syllable, “as much as it pains me to say it, you _know_ that’s not a good idea.”

“Oh, God, I know,” she groaned, pressing her breasts closer to his face, her body seemingly seeking his mouth. “Just… just do it, Ben. _Please_ ,” she begged.

Ben was a strong man. He could bench press over three hundred pounds. He’d completed two marathons and numerous half-marathons. But there was no way in hell he was strong enough to deny Rey, not this. Not now.

“Shhh, baby,” he crooned into her neck, “I got you.”

“Ben,” she murmured, yanking on the shoulder of his shirt, “take this off.”

He complied, grabbing the back of his shirt collar and yanking it over his head in one sweep. Rey was shuffling out of her flannel pants, her fingers hooking into the elastic waistband of her black cotton underwear.

“Wait,” Ben panted, reaching his hand out to still her wrist, “let me.”

Rey nodded, and he watched her throat bob as she swallowed. _Oh, Sweet Jesus, her throat_ … Ben felt his balls tighten, felt the prickling deep in his abdomen as his cock hardened further. With absolute control, Ben replaced her hands with his and began to slide the material down over the soft flare of her hips until gravity took over, sending her panties to her ankles. Rey quickly kicked them off as a shudder sent her body trembling.

Ben returned his hands to the band of her bra, unhooking the material with a flick of his wrist. Rey extended her arms, helping him to slide the garment off of her limbs to join the quickly growing pile on the carpeted floor.

Rey’s naked breasts bobbed in front of Ben’s eyes, the dusky pink flesh of her nipples pulled taut, pebbled and hard and asking for relief. Without another moment, Ben’s mouth darted forward and snaked his hot tongue over her warm, smooth flesh, tasting the sweet jasmine of her skin. They moaned at the same time, the relief of the touch and of being touched more than either could bear.

While Ben fondled one breast and suckled the other, alternating between grazing his teeth on the tender skin and laving at it with the flat of his tongue, he felt Rey’s hands slide between his skin and the material of  his jeans, popping his button and lowering the zipper. With a couple forceful shoves, his pants were sinking to his knees, and Ben used one hand to hastily shove them off his feet, sending them to the pile, too.

“That’s better,” Rey murmured, the backs of her knuckles skimming along his boxer briefs, skirting and teasing the length of him.

“Fuck, Rey,” Ben choked out, swiftly moving his hands from her breasts to cup her face, tilting it down to meet his gaze directly. “I want you on my face.”

“Oh…” Rey breathed, nodding, her pupils blown wide. She stepped back and sank down onto her bed, making room for Ben as he followed suit. Ben crawled up to the pillows and flopped onto his back before reaching his hand out to her, tender and soft, cautious and wanting.

“Rey,” he breathed, “c’mere, pretty girl.”

Rey practically scrambled up his torso, her wet heat dragging over the thin cotton of his briefs, making him hiss in pleasure. He caught her hips and guided her forward until the apex of her thighs hovered over his face, then slowly pushed her down until a strip of neat, coarse hair met his lips. He pressed his nose into her mons as the tip of his tongue snaked out to tease around her slit. She was slick, practically soaked, her desire sweet and tangy all at once. Ben hummed in approval before running the flat of his tongue from her opening to her clit, lapping at her juices.

“Oh, fuck,” Rey trembled above him, her thighs already shaking as Ben held her steady.

He continued to work her, firming his tongue and sliding it inside, backing out and teasing her entrance, gathering her arousal and sliding up to circle her clit. He teased and sucked, fucked her with his tongue and scraped his scruff against her sensitive nub until Rey hovered above him, her hands white-knuckled as she gripped her headboard, her head tipped back in wild abandonment.  

Ben hummed his approval again, the vibrations against her center making Rey hiss with pleasure as she rocked her pelvis in time to his licks and thrusts. When he skimmed his right hand up her left thigh and slid his thumb right into the heat of her as he grasped her clit between his lips and sucked, Rey bucked once and went completely still, a quiet, keening wail the only sound save Ben’s rapid breathing.

“Oh my God,” she gasped, her head hanging heavy on her neck, her eyes hooded and shiny with desire. “Jesus Christ, Ben,” she panted, pushing her hips backward until she straddled his broad torso, her lithe legs squeezing him, her still quivering cunt dampening his skin.

“Good?” Ben murmured, his eyes meeting hers. 

Her lashes fluttered closed, her chest rising with a deep breath. “So good.”

When she opened her eyes, Ben quirked a brow. “More?”

In answer, Rey dragged her hands along his ribcage, then planted her palms on his massive chest for leverage to scoot down further, dragging her damp heat over his belly until she brushed up against the spongy tip of him, his precum sticking to her own slick flesh with a viscous, magnetic pull.

“More,” she agreed, breathless, wriggling her hips to try and slip the tip of his head inside her.

Ben snuck a hand down and grabbed the base of his cock, hard and throbbing with need in his grip, holding himself prone as Rey continued to inch down his length. It was slow-going --- the best torture -- as she rocked her hips and lifted and lowered herself, making agonizingly slow progress.

“You’re doing so good, baby,” Ben marveled, squeezing the swell of her hips, “taking all of me so good.”

A rush of arousal slicked down his length, his words having the desired effect on Rey as she watched him, eyes still glazed and hooded, her jaw hanging loose as she continued to work her hips in tiny rocking motions. Ben dragged his right thumb across her abdomen and down until it landed on Rey’s clit, rubbing small, soft circles around the bundle of nerves. With a soft mewling sound followed by an animalistic grunt, Rey sank all the way down, her thighs atop his and his cock buried to the hilt.

“Jesus fuck!” Ben gasped, sliding both hands back to Rey’s hips and forcing her still, desperate to gather himself for a moment. “Don’t move an inch or I’m gonna come right now,” he croaked. Rey froze, her breathing coming in short pants, her abdomen twitching with shivers of pleasure.

“Oh, God,” she moaned closing her eyes, “so full.”

“Rey,” Ben whined, his eyes rolling into the back of his head, “I swear to God…”

“Sorry, sorry,” she soothed, doing her best to stay still. “It’s just… so good.”

Ben counted down from ten as slowly as humanly possible, biting down on the inside of his cheek and focusing on his breath. By the time he got to one, he felt like he could move. There’s no way he’d last long, but by God he was gonna make it good.

“Okay,” he whispered, nodding. “You can move, now, baby.”

“Mmm,” Rey hummed, tucking her bottom lip under her teeth as she started to ride him in a slow, rocking rhythm.

“That’s it, pretty girl,” Ben cooed, “so good.” Rey picked up the pace, her thighs lifting and lowering at a rapid clip, her palms still braced on his chest as she worked herself over him. Ben slipped his thumb back to her clit and pressed, giving her a little more sensation as she started to shake again, her thighs slamming down on his with every down stroke.

“Oh, God,” she whined “that’s it, yeah-- right there.” She curled her fingers, her blunt nails digging into his pecs as she whimpered her last words, “I’m gonna come, Ben, gonna come --” right before her pussy clenched down on him, her walls fluttering along the thick length of his cock, her hips rocking as she rode him to completion.

When her body finally stopped quivering around him, she sagged bonelessly, her chest flush with his and her hair falling in a curtain on his neck. Ben remained still inside her, his cock harder than steel, his balls aching with the need to come so fucking bad. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, the brown strands like silk on his lips.

He slid his arms around her back and held her tight against him, so close he could feel her heart pound a staccato rhythm against his chest. “Shhh, it’s okay baby,” he soothed, feeling her as she lay limp and wrecked, panting above him. “I’m just gonna...” he left the statement unfinished as he started slowly lifting a hip to gently turn them to their sides, keeping her body flush to his and his cock buried in her.

After another quiet moment, Rey’s lids fluttered open as they faced each other side to side. “Back to Earth?” Ben teased, his voice a low rumble. Rey’s liquid honey eyes locked on his as she nodded. “Ready for more?” he rumbled, and Rey nodded again, her top teeth digging into her plush bottom lip once again.

With that, Ben rolled over completely, fitting himself in the cradle of her hips, his cock deep inside her heat. He started with a slow piston, a low, guttural growl escaping his lips every time he sunk to the hilt, a gasping breath every time he slid out of her warmth. But it wasn’t long before nature took over and he was moving with mechanical speed -- a raging bull, a man on fire, a man in love -- as he gave one last, blinding thrust before fighting every cell in his body to pull out. Gripping himself in his hand, Ben held his cock in a vicious grip and pumped three times before coming all over Rey’s tits in multiple spurts, the thick, white ropes of spend painting her flesh.

“Holy shit,” Rey breathed, glancing down at her chest and then back up at him.

Ben lifted his head, the rest of his energy going to keeping himself propped on his single arm so he wouldn’t crush Rey beneath him, and took in his handiwork. A half smile tugged at his lips as he exhaled, spent, a lewd pride swelling in his lungs as he stared at his come painting Rey’s skin. “There’s my pretty girl.”

Rey shivered and gasped, her eyes rolling to the ceiling. “That was so hot,” she panted.

A second later, her attention was back on him, and Ben lifted his chin to press a sweet, tender kiss on her lips. He dipped his head down again to look at the mess he’d made, then looked up at her from beneath his brows, a mischievous grin forming. “Wow,” he said with a chuckle, before Rey joined him with a giggle of her own.

“Be right back,” he said, pushing away and walking bare-ass naked to Rey’s bathroom before returning with a warm, damp washcloth to clean her skin.

“Thanks,” she whispered, pulling him down to lay beside her. Rey slipped a leg over his torso and wrapped her arms around him like a tree trunk, pressing and moulding her body to his like two pieces of a puzzle sliding into place.

Ben wrapped his arm around her back and closed his eyes, his pounding heart finally beginning to settle.

He lay there, soaking in a deep contentment that extended well beyond his sated body  -- an unexpected epiphany striking him. His whole damn life, Ben had struggled with his ungainly size, his loping stride, his goofy gait. He’d spent his youth and early adulthood finding ways to downplay the prominent features which always plagued his confidence.

But right now? In this moment with Rey tucked to him like a key in its lock, Ben knew _exactly_ what his body was made for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fans self*
> 
> The line Ben sends Rey early in the chapter is from Neruda's most eloquent Sonnet XVI.
> 
> I'm so touched by all of your comments. Thank you for reading and for interacting - it's a joy! xo


	12. Wake Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This project has been such a joy - a true labor of love! 
> 
> The challenge of writing 36,000 words in 15 days was craziness but I'm really happy with how the story unfolded; I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. 
> 
> So... here it is: the last installment. Merry Christmas, Reylos! Thank you for welcoming me into your fold and for bringing a smile to my face every day. You're a brilliant bunch and I'm thrilled to share this obsession with each and every one of you.
> 
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> * * *
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> Right from the start I knew  
> You'd set a fire in me  
> And I'd rather be sad with you  
> Than anywhere away from you
> 
> If you’re lonely lonely lonely wake me
> 
> \--Bleachers, 'Wake Me'

_Y_

 

 

_One year later._

 

Rey sat across from Rose at their new favorite bar, this one a hipster gastropub with amazing revival cocktails right in the heart of Rey’s new neighborhood. Rose sipped a drink named Hufflepuff composed of vodka, peach, ginger, lemon and blueberry. Rey took a sip of her own hot-pepper infused drink, cheekily named for Daenerys Targaryen.

“Oh my goodness,” Rose chuckled, taking another sip, “this is some fruity magic.”

Rey swallowed and wagged her tongue, waving her hand in front of it jokingly. “And mine is spicy!” she exclaimed, her eyes watering. “They’re not kidding with those Hellfire Bitters.”

Rose cocked her head and grinned. “We are so pretentious right now, aren’t we?”

Grinning, Rey looked down at their drinks and the hipster decor and giggled. “We are,” she said with a nod. She lifted her glass again in salute. “But, hey, it’s Christmas!”

“That it is,” Rose agreed, pinching her straw and sucking down the last of her cocktail. “Speaking of…” she began, waggling her brows, “aren’t the two of you hosting Ben’s mom for Christmas Eve tomorrow night? Nervous?”

Shaking her head, Rey smiled softly. “Not really,” she admitted. “It’s not like it’s the first time I’m meeting Leia or anything.”

To the contrary, Ben had introduced Rey to his mother several months earlier, shortly after they’d finally -- _finally_ \-- gotten together. The first time, they’d taken the train out to Laurelton for a Sunday afternoon visit and dinner. By their second visit for Mother’s Day brunch, Rey had known for the first time in forever that she, too, had someone to call _mom_.

“True,” Rose agreed. “But it’s different when it’s _your_ place and you’re cooking and stuff.”

Rey grimaced. Rose was all to aware that Rey wasn’t a natural in the kitchen. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and Rey pulled it out, giving a sheepish grin to Rose as she glanced down at it and typed a quick reply. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Rey Jackson,” Rose chided in a sing-song voice, “are you _sexting_ right now?”

Rey’s head snapped up. “What?” she gasped, her face flushing from more than the alcohol in her cocktail. “No, of course not.”

“You sure about that, Jackson?” Rose pressed. “Because that’s the third time you’ve answered a text on your phone in the last twenty minutes.”

“I…,” Rey scrambled to find an appropriate response. “Okay, yes,” she rolled her eyes, “I’m texting with Ben,” Rey admitted sulkily.

With a grin, Rose pointed her finger at her friend. I think the word you're looking for is _sexting_ ,” she corrected. “Don't deny it, you dirty thing.”

“Ugh,” Rey groaned, “I’m sorry, Rose, you deserve my full attention--”

“No, no!” Rose giggled, “I’m just dying to know why you’re sexting when you’re going to see each other in like,” she looked down at her phone to check the time, “less than an hour.”

Rey shrugged, taking a sip of her cocktail to stall. “You know… to, uh, build the anticipation?” she squeaked.

“Of course, it must also remind you of the humble beginnings of your epic love affair…” Rose added with a teasing grin.

_Oh Lord, did it._

Rey tried to quash the butterflies in her stomach at the thought of what she’d just texted with Ben, but Rose saw right through her. In the year they’d been together, she and Ben had played out every fantasy, every erotic photograph they found that piqued their interest. And they found that the remnant personas of 'R.A. Jax' and 'Kylo Ren' sometimes gave them the perfect excuse to push some boundaries.

_Like now, for instance_ , Rey mused as she shoved her phone back into her purse, trying to forget about the image of a man's hand grasping a woman's head -- tender and possessive, raw and vulnerable all at once -- as she kneeled before him, swallowing him whole. Rey vowed not to pick her phone back up until she and Rose were heading out. 

Rey took a deep breath and tried to quell her blush. Smiling, she gave Rose an enigmatic “Yep," before making a face at her friend's suggestive comment and adding, “And that’s all you’re gonna get outta me, missy.”

“Ha!” Rose cackled before reaching her hand across the table. “Rey, in all seriousness, though… I’m glad you’re happy.” Rose cocked her head to the side, inquisitive. “Do you… do you think he could be the one?”

Rey’s smile bloomed from ear to ear. “I _know_ he is.”

“Oooh,” Rose gushed, her eyes going wide. “Do we hear the sound of wedding bells? Should I shop for a Maid of Honor dress with the New Year’s sales?”

Shaking her head, Rey chuckled lightly. “Nah,” she demurred, “Ben and I agreed we don’t want anything like that. Just something simple. Quiet. We don’t need fanfare. Just… me and him, a justice of the peace, and a vow.”

“Ugh,” Rose groaned, pulling her hand back to cup her chin in her hand, “you two are so sweet you make me wanna puke.”

 

*

 

Christmas Eve dinner went off without a hitch, and Rey silently thanked every episode of _Barefoot Contessa_ she’d ever watched. Between her and Ben, they’d successfully managed to make roast beef with a gorgonzola cream sauce, parmesan mashed potatoes, and roasted cherry tomatoes.

Leia had oohed and ahhed, not only over their delicious meal topped off by a caramel bread pudding, but over their darling new apartment. “Darling” was the polite way of addressing their minuscule square footage, their second bedroom so small it was little more than a closet. But they had two whole bathrooms, access to a beautiful rooftop garden, and a prime historic location in Williamsburg with a ten minute walk to their office.

It was perfect.

Ben slid the last plate into the dishwasher and grinned at Rey. “All done,” he announced.

“Wanna prize?” Rey asked, one eyebrow cocked and a sly grin on her face.

Watching her in silence for a moment, Ben’s expression softened, his dark eyes alight from within as he trailed his gaze from her lips to her chest and back again. “You know I do,” he nearly growled, desire thick in his voice.

Rey dropped the dish towel she’d been using on the granite counter and turned from her place beside Ben to face him, squeezing herself in between his massive body and the sink. She tipped her head back, a half smile on her face, as she stroked her fingers through the shaggy hair at the nape of his neck.

Ben’s eyes slipped closed, a contented moan of pleasure escaping his lips as Rey caressed him. “Mmmm. Feels good,” he murmured. After a few more moments, Ben sighed and opened his eyes, then cupped Rey’s hand in his before sliding it down to clasp it in front of his chest. “I have something for you.”

Her wide eyes lighting with joy, Rey’s lips broke into an effervescent smile. “You do?”

Ben chuckled. “It’s Christmas. ‘Course I do.”

“That’s true,” Rey agreed, her eyes still shining brightly, “but _tomorrow’s_ Christmas. Not today.”

“Same difference,” Ben said with a shrug, teasing her.

“Well, I have something for you, too,” Rey admitted, lacing her fingers with his where their hands remained clasped at Ben’s chest.

He arched a dark brow at her. “You wanna go first?”

Rey’s cheeks flushed, her lashes fluttering as she shook her head. “No. You go.”

Nodding, Ben pressed a kiss onto Rey’s forehead. “M’kay. Come on.” He turned on his heel and used their clasped hands to guide Rey out into the living room. He led them toward the gas fireplace and their small tabletop Christmas tree situated beside it.

He bent down to switch on the gas for the fireplace, and on his way back up, Ben clocked the back of his head on the exposed brick mantle. “Oh, mother fuu----” he cursed, cutting himself off by biting down on his lip and pressing his hand to his skull. “That hurts like a bitch!” he hissed. “I think I might have broken something,” he whined, squeezing his eyes shut.

It’s not that Rey didn’t have sympathy for her boyfriend; she was sure brick didn’t feel good colliding with one’s skull. But what the hell could Ben possibly think he’d broken? She couldn’t help the little puff of laughter that escaped her as she reached for Ben’s face, steadying him with her hands on his cheeks and making him hold her gaze.

“Oh, Ben,” Rey snorted, “there’s no way you broke anything. Your head’s hard like a bull’s.” She rubbed her thumbs in soothing circles along his forehead. “See?”

“Ugh, it really hurts,” Ben muttered, squinting one eye. “Do you think I’m concussed?”

This time, the laughter peeled out of Rey, completely uncontrolled. “No, you big lug!” She pulled him further downward and close to her, pressing his cheek against the soft pillows of her breasts and squeezing him into a tight bear hug. “There, there,” she soothed, teasing him with the fact that she was giving him comfort on her bosom. “Doesn’t that feel better?”

Ben was quiet for a moment before replying. “Yeah,” he sighed, “it kinda does.”

“Mmm,” Rey murmured in contented agreement. “That’s my Ferdinand, off smelling roses and not paying attention to what he’s doing…” she chided, her hand running across the broad plane of his shoulders.

“You’re the only flower I smell, pretty girl,” Ben replied, his voice muffled by her curves.

Rey hitched in a breath. “You know what it does to me when you call me that.”

Slowly, Ben peeled himself off of Rey and stood to his full height. Looking down at her with a knowing half-smile, he replied, “I know. What do you think I say it?”

Rey clucked her tongue and swatted playfully at Ben’s bicep. “You mean you only say it for ulterior reasons? It’s not true?”

“Babe,” Ben huffed a breath out through his nose, incredulous,  “you’re _beyond_ pretty.” He waited to catch her hazel eyes with his. “You’re… beautiful. Breathtaking.” He kissed the tip of her nose, his lips plush and warm.  “Miraculous. _Luminous_.”

Her eyes softened, a sheen of warm affection flooding her expression. “The things you say to me…” Rey sighed.

Ben cupped her cheeks in his hands, tilting her head just so as he spoke to her in hushed tones. “You make me feel brave enough to say anything… brave enough to put my heart in your hands.” Rey watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, his brows creasing in concentration as if he searched her eyes  for a hidden message. After a brief hesitation, he released her face and folded his large body in half until he was kneeling before her, his head reaching her waist. “Brave enough to lay my life at your feet,” he declared, his voice a deep rumble she could feel in her belly.

Rey swallowed hard as she watched Ben’s giant hand reach out to grasp an ornament from a back branch of their little tree. His hand emerged from the greenery with a looped red ribbon tied to a metallic circle dangling from his fingertips, the ribbon and charm swaying and catching the multi-colored tree lights.

It wasn’t until Ben untied the ribbon's bow and held out his open palm that Rey realized it was a ring. A white-gold ring with a small sapphire framed by two diamond baguettes. Ben shifted, bringing one knee up as the other remained kneeling.

“If you’re not too busy the day after Christmas,” Ben rasped, “how does a trip to the courthouse sound?”

Rey’s knees went weak, and quickly she sank down to join him on the floor, her heart beating frantically in the cage of her chest, her eyes burning with unshed tears. This was all she'd ever wanted, more than she could have ever hoped for. Her hands shook as she grasped his wrists, needing his strength to keep her upright. 

Her eyes fluttered closed, a single tear slipping down her left cheek. "Is this really happening right now?" she whispered, voice shaking, afraid it was all but a dream.

Rey felt Ben's warm hand on her cheek, his thumb gently swiping the tear away in a broad stroke. Her dampened lashes fluttered open to see Ben's face right before hers, his brows lifted and his lips fighting a smile. "Before you start crying, could you maybe give me an answer?"

Biting down on her lip and fighting her own goofy grin, Rey replied, "Can you repeat the question?"

His lips twitched as he gazed at her, his palm still cupping her cheek. "I _asked_ if you would go to the courthouse. With me." Ben's grin faded for a moment, his expression suddenly intense and sincere, his dark eyes searching hers. "I'm asking if you'll marry me, Rey."

The words made her stomach flip, made her eyes go fuzzy and her heart skip a beat. She felt elated, as if she was levitating, no longer bound by gravity, floating somewhere among the stars. With a soft smile, she managed to make words come out of her dazed mouth. “I don’t know, Solo,” she said, her throat thick with emotion. “I’d say it kinda sounds like forever.”

Ben’s jaw clenched and his eyes came alive with a gleeful mirth. “Is that a yes, Jackson?”

Rey grinned. “You won’t be able to call me that much longer, because that’s a _hard_ yes.”

Ben slipped the elegant ring into place on Rey’s left hand, his barrel-sized arms snaking around her to pull her knees flush against his and wrap her in a tight hug. He buried his nose in the crook of her neck, breathing in her sweet scent. “You make me _so_ happy.”

She brushed her teary eyes against the soft cotton covering his shoulder, her face pulled into a smile so wide her cheeks ached. “You make _me_ so happy.”

They lingered there for a moment, locked in each other’s embrace before Rey spoke again. “I want to give you your present now.”

Slowly, Ben pulled away and sat back on his heels. “Okay.”

“Go to our bedroom,” Rey commanded softly.

Ben quirked a brow. “Okay… alone?”

She smiled and said, “I’ll be right behind you.”

Doing as she asked, Ben stood and walked toward their bedroom, turning his head to glance over his shoulder at her every few steps. Rey smiled and nodded. As soon as he disappeared into their room, she reached over and switched off the fireplace gas… enjoying the fire would have to wait until tomorrow. She flicked off the lights as she moved through the apartment, but left the lights in their bedroom on full as she entered to find him sitting at the foot of their bed, looking a little lost and wary.

Rey moved to stand in front of him, pressing his knees open wider so she could wedge herself between them. She licked her lips and started with the top button of her black silky blouse, slipping loose each mother-of-pearl fastening as her hands descended. Ben watched her every move, his own eyes growing wide when she shoved the panels of her top open to reveal a crimson satin push-up bra, the front clasp adorned with a festive rhinestone.

“What’s this?” Ben asked, rubbing one finger beneath the right strap of her bra, his voice thick with desire.

“ _This,_ ” Rey paused as she pushed her black leggings over the flare of her hips and shimmied them down and off her ankles, “is your gift.” She stood in matching panties, the deep red satin a glorious contrast against the toned, golden skin of her abdomen.

Ben grinned, his eyes lighting up like a kid in a candy store. He reached both hands out, fingers bent and ready to palm the globes of her breasts when Rey caught his hands with hers. “Uh-uh-uh,” she tutted. “Not yet, Solo.”

He lifted his brows in question, but slipped his hands back to his lap, looking at her full of intrigue.

“Stand up,” Rey commanded once again, her voice gentle but firm. Ben did as he was told, and Rey quickly moved to take his place at the foot of the bed. When he was positioned standing directly in front of her, her nimble fingers popped the button of his jeans and pushed them and his boxers straight down in one go. His cock, already half hard, bounced free in front of her face. Rey watched as she wrapped her right hand around his shaft and felt saliva pool at the back of her tongue. For as long as she lived, she’d never get over the perfection of him -- thick and long, smooth and velvety to the touch, a blunt head purpling with desire as she gripped him.

Without hesitation, she used the tip of her tongue to swipe at his slit, tasting the slightly bitter salt of his precum. As her tongue came in contact with him, Rey felt Ben jerk and swell in her hand, a deep groan escaping him. “ _Jesus_ , baby.”

Looking up at him from beneath her dark lashes, Rey opened her mouth and slid his whole head inside, swirling around his tip, curling her tongue to feel every swelling ridge. She used the hand that wasn’t holding the base of his cock in place to reach for one of his hands, dragging it from where it hung limp at his side to the back of her head, telling him without words what she wanted from him.

What she was offering him.

What she was _gifting_ him.

Ben whined as he threaded his fingers through Rey’s silky mane, grabbing a fistful as he started to gently thrust his now rock-hard cock inside her mouth. Rey closed her eyes and forced herself to relax, loosening enough to feel his head at the back of her throat with every push of his hips. Little whimpers slipped from his lips with every press into the wet heat of her mouth, and Rey couldn’t help but open her eyes wide to glance up and try to get a glimpse of his blissed-out face. Ben’s head hung loose from his neck, chin tipped forward without the strength or gumption to hold himself upright. His eyes were glazed over, completely wrecked, as he watched his cock slide in and out of her mouth.

Rey felt wanton. Used for his pleasure. Completely fucking powerful.

She felt Ben twitch, heard his breathing hitch as he started to whine -- this large, mighty man mewling like a kitten. She slid off of him, releasing him with a soft pop, and Ben hissed, his eyes blown wide in shock and needful desire.

Rey was breathing heavily, too, trying to get air back in her lungs as she said, “Take off your shirt.”

Ben scrambled to do so, seeming like his arms couldn’t move fast enough. In seconds, he had his shirt wadded and tossed on the floor, his wide, smooth torso bare and on full display. Rey stood, meeting him toe-to-toe. She kept her eyes locked on his as she unclasped her bra, then slipped her wet panties down her thighs. Sitting back down, Rey scooted backward on their bed, bending her knees as she extended her hand, beckoning him wordlessly,

Ben complied, placing one knee at the foot and crawling his way up the mattress to her. Rey guided his hands to her breasts, finally letting him cup and massage the soft flesh, her nipples pulling taut at his touch. She moaned quietly as she reached between them to once again grasp his length in her hand before guiding him to her wet and aching center.

Ben’s cock -- big enough that it often required a little maneuvering to get him fully seated within her -- slid right home as Rey lifted her hips and shoved against him, soaking and slick with desire.

“Fuck!” Ben gasped as he settled between her legs, the muscles of his impressive ass flexing as he strained to sink even deeper. “Fuck,” he repeated, his voice trembling.

Rey slid her hand over the curve of his rear and pressed, encouraging a rhythm as she circled her hips. Ben’s lips found the column of her neck, his tongue taking long swipes and little nibbles on the sensitive skin, his breath hot as he panted in her ear.

_There’s nothing in the world that will ever be as good as this_ , Rey thought as she lay prone beneath his weight, trapped in the best possible prison. As she felt the head of his cock drag along her inner walls, the practiced angle of his thrusts hitting her in a magical place.

“Right there,” she whispered. “Don’t stop. Oh God," she moaned, "don’t ever stop.”

He mewled again, little grunts escaping along with his heavy exhales. Beneath her palms, she felt the dip of his glutes with every deep thrust, his cock nudging her womb.

“I want you to come in me, Ben,” she huffed, her eyes starting to glaze over as the pressure continued to build, the fluttering deep in her abdomen spreading to her limbs like a warm glow. “Fill me up with your come,” she gasped at the first fluttering of her cunt.

Hearing her dirty words made Ben practically growl, the rumble in his chest so deep its vibration sent Rey teetering fully over the edge, her muscles clamping and quivering all around his thickness. “Oh God,” Ben grunted. “I can feel you, baby. Feel you coming for me.” He continued to thrust shallowly as Rey rode out her orgasm, keeping her on the wave for an impossibly long time. “That’s it, pretty girl, come all over my cock,” his hoarse voice whispered. Then, a deep groan as he gave one last forceful thrust before stilling, then swelling and spurting inside her, hot and throbbing.

Rey moaned as the last aftershocks of her pleasure passed, her palms sweaty against Ben’s ass, her chest and forehead covered in a light sheen of perspiration. Ben’s face rested at the notch of her collarbone and she could feel the dampness on his forehead and hair, too.

Even sweaty and with his sticky spend already leaking out of her, Rey couldn’t tolerate the idea of getting up to shower. She felt too good, her limbs jelly and her heart pumping bliss through her body, completely high on him. As if he could read her mind, Ben sighed and pressed a wet, open-mouthed kiss to Rey’s neck. “Stay here, baby,” he murmured as he pulled out of her, leaving Rey feeling suddenly empty and cold; incomplete.

A moment later Ben was back with a warm cloth. "You take such good care of me," she murmured with a smile as she took the cloth from him and swiped at her chest, then between her legs. She folded it and tossed it over to the hamper.

Ben chuckled. “Nice shot,” he said, yanking their bedding down and pulling her naked body against him.

“I’m full of hidden talents,” Rey replied sleepily, coming to rest her body flush against him, his bicep and chest her pillow.

“Don’t I know it,” Ben agreed smugly as he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her ever closer, his palm cupping the back of her head as if she were precious cargo. It made Rey’s heart flutter, made her eyes burn, made her lips yearn to smile.

Rey closed her eyes, sighing with contentment, as she remembered the thing she'd read so long ago, the words about living with the true spirit of the season: giving, gratitude, and grace.

She slid her left hand along Ben’s ribs and looked down with sleepy eyes at the dainty ring on her finger. In forty-eight hours, she’d officially give him her heart and he’d give her his name.

She was grateful for every moment with Ben, even the rough ones that led them here, to now, to _this_ moment.

With Ben, Rey felt God’s grace; in Ben's arms, she felt cherished... safe. Protected and loved.

She squeezed her thighs over his torso, tucking herself even more tightly against him, their flesh nearly one. “I love you, Ben.”

Sleepily, Ben replied, “Love you, too, pretty girl.”

Rey sighed, ready to end the day in his arms, ready to start the next day by his side. Ready to repeat it every day for the rest of their lives. Nearly asleep, Rey felt Ben’s nose brushing along her jaw, the words he spoke a soft and tender murmur along the shell of her ear.

“If you’re lonely, wake me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for sharing your comments. Come find me at The Writing Den or chat with me on Twitter: @deedreamer16 xo


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